SMOOTH OPERATOR O’ THE WEEK: A man walked up to a woman standing in the lobby of a restaurant and motorboated her. The woman and her friends pushed him away and told him to get lost. Shortly afterward, another man offered to buy the woman a shot of liquor, saying he wanted to apologize for his friend.

Mt. Doom Request O’ The Week: A woman took a black machete out of her home, handed it to a cop, and asked that it be destroyed.

A man got a warning for trespassing at a downtown house around midnight. He returned about two-and-a-half hours later and told officers he needed to get his clothes. He was arrested for trespassing.

Somebody left his 12-gauge shotgun and shells in the passenger seat of his car. It was stolen. Hooray for responsible gun owners!

A realtor says someone broke into a brand-new house and stole the dishwasher, the oven, and — yes — the kitchen sink.

Before getting a body massage from a hired masseuse at his home, a man took off his wedding ring and placed it next to the bathroom sink. The masseuse asked to use the toilet before he left the house, and now the ring is missing. We wonder if he checked the drain.

After responding to a domestic dispute, an officer saw scratches on the boyfriend’s face but no injuries on the girlfriend, so the woman was arrested for domestic violence. Still, the boyfriend insisted, “I ain’t got no injuries.”

Derp of a Salesman: A man was going door-to-door trying to sell carpet cleaner. A cop gave him a ticket for not having a business license and told him to leave the neighborhood.

A woman walked up to the counter at a convenience store with a bottle of beer in hand. The cashier told her the price, and she went back to the cooler, ostensibly to return the bottle, and tucked it into the waistband of her pants.

A man who had just ducked behind an abandoned building and gotten caught told an officer,; “I’m just peeing.” When the cop told the man to put his hands on his head, he dropped a crack rock and pipe on the ground. He eventually confessed, “Man, I was just about to smoke up.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.