Blotter o’ the Week: Police responded to reports of someone dressed as a pirate scaring carriage horses downtown. The man identified himself as Captain Jack Sparrow and told police that he was simply “saying hi to the horse.” The man also stated that “appearing intoxicated” is part of his impersonation of the beloved Disney character. Employees at a nearby bar told police that the man, who was arrested for public intoxication, had been asked to leave after attempting to order rum and falling on patrons.

Officers responding to a service call were met by a young man who immediately raised his hands as he approached and said, “I’ve got warrants. Let’s go to jail.” If only all suspects were so cooperative.

A man with a sign reading “Money for LSD Research” was cited for panhandling outside of a downtown hotel. Clearly, Timothy Leary has fallen on hard times.

A surprisingly robust hospital patient punched a hole through the wall of his room. Luckily, he was in the right place to have his bones set after turning his fist into a maraca.

A woman was found walking around a motel wearing only a towel and carrying a bottle of wine. Hotel staff told police that they were concerned due to the woman’s strange behavior and the fact that she had a baby with her the previous evening.

A suspect was apprehended following a long foot pursuit. Police found $1,080 in cash in the man’s pocket, but the man told officers, “You can throw that away. It’s fake.” Rather than being discarded, the counterfeit bills were then entered into evidence.

Police were called regarding a woman complaining of nausea. While speaking with officers, the woman ran into the parking lot of her apartment complex dressed in only a nightgown. According to an incident report, the woman was shouting about Jesus and the Bible before stating, “This is the most fun I ever had in my life.”

Police checking out an abandoned residence found a man inside trying to smoke crack cocaine off the top of a beer can. When asked what he was doing inside the building, the man replied that he was in the area to “donate plasma.”

A $3,500 check made out to “McMaster for Governor” was discovered on a sidewalk downtown. Money well spent.

A woman was found drinking alcohol inside the bathroom stall of a department store. When asked what day it was, the woman replied, “the 25th Feptember.” The officer asked if she meant “September,” but the woman insisted that she was correct, replying, “I didn’t say September. I said Feptember.” Remember, remember, the 25th of Feptember, the time that some woman got drunk. I know of no rhyme to couple with time, so this little poem is sunk.

A shop owner told police that he suspects his ex-boyfriend of stealing $3,000 worth of candles, detergents, and other products from his store. The owner believes that his spurned lover took the items because he “feels entitled to some of the business” because the two had been dating for four years and had recently parted ways.

A woman allowed her young daughter to go stay with her sisters for the weekend, but what started out as a fun bit of sisterly bonding took a turn. When the woman’s daughter didn’t return home when expected, she checked online to find that the two older sisters had spent the weekend in New Orleans.

After being placed under arrest for public intoxication, a man was found to be in possession of a loaded revolver, as well as a ninja throwing star and an assortment of pills.