Blotter o’ the Week: Authorities received “several calls” about a man with a NRA T-shirt on who was driving a moped “erratically.” You can take some comfort in the fact that the man, who couldn’t keep his balance to save his life when questioned by officers, probably wants to arm your kids’ teachers.

A woman said she saw a man jump on the hood of her car several times before grabbing a suitcase and hitting her car with it. The alleged car beater said he was just trying to walk past the car, which was blocking the sidewalk to his apartment, and that his suitcase may have bumped it by accident. Both parties were adamant about their wildly divergent interpretations.

A woman tore the price tag off a tote bag in a West Ashley department store and began using it to steal more stuff.

A man was booked into jail after he was caught outside with an open container for the second time in one day.

Two kids hopped into a golf cart sitting in a parking lot on East Bay Street and drove it around until they knocked off the windshield. They came back an hour and a half later for one last joy ride.

A high school senior stole two Gucci sunglasses and one pair of Burberry shades, each valued between $285 and $375, from a Market Street retailer. We hereby predict she’ll be one of — if not THE — most UV-protected girls in English Lit.

Someone stole a firearm from a man’s glove compartment. The gun, in case you were wondering, is engraved with the phrase “Live free or die hard” and has a picture of a pit bull at the bottom of the magazine.

Somebody went outside to find that a brick had been flung through their driver’s side window for no immediately apparent reason.

Two different men successfully exchanged a total of three fake $100 bills for actual currency at a downtown grocery store within the span of three hours.

A man and a woman stole three bags of shrimp and two bags of crab legs from a West Ashley grocery store — either to stock up on their incredibly sad bed snacks or to make a kick-ass paella. Hopefully the second one.

“She expressed that she wanted everyone to leave her apartment and that she wanted to go to bed.” Can I get an “Ambien?” Sorry, I meant an “Amen!”

It looks like someone didn’t finish keying the word “bitch” on the roof of a woman’s car, leaving her with a very puzzling “BIT” tag.

According to CPD’s urban dictionary, a “brown in color marijuana cigarette” is “commonly known as a ‘blunt.'”