Blotter o’ the Week: An intoxicated man in orange swim trunks was screaming obscenities in the Market when vendors decided to call police. Officers later found the man walking down the street, claiming that he was a witch. The man’s control over the dark arts proved ineffective, and he was issued a citation for public intoxication.

Police located a man with a busted face standing downtown. When questioned by officers, the drunken journeyman said he was attempting to walk to the Isle of Palms after partying on King Street. He was soon handed over to what an officer described as his “sober friends,” which are always good to have around.

A man was cleaning up his Line Street property when a stranger approached and began to shout “I’m the king of Line Street” and royally decreed “I’m going to whoop your ass,” according to an incident report.

An AR15 rifle was stolen from the vehicle of a cadet at The Citadel.

After hearing strange noises outside of her home late one evening, a woman’s fiance told her to check under her car for a GPS. According to the man, his ex-wife had previously hidden a GPS under his vehicle to track his movements while on vacation. Showing that maybe she’s marrying into the wrong family, the woman later discovered a tracking device under her car.

A woman found her luggage missing from her hotel room, along with the male travel companion with whom she was sharing the spot. The woman said she had known the man for seven years and could not explain his sudden departure except for the fact that she had just told the man that she only considered him a friend and did not wish to become romantically involved. Apparently, the man took the news hard and attempted to make a daring escape from the friendzone.

A man was awoken one afternoon by his girlfriend, who was banging on his door and shouting. The woman then proceeded to pour sugar into the gas tank of the man’s car and carve the word “snitch” into the hood of his car.

A couple of shoplifters perhaps looking to get their new catering business off the ground stole a set of pots and pans valued at $349 and a $500 mixer from a department store. After reviewing security camera footage, an officer noticed that the female suspect had placed a fast-food cup on a store shelf before leaving. The cup was soon recovered and checked for fingerprints, which just goes to show that littering is the ultimate undoing of any criminal mastermind.

A suspected burglar needs to be put in time out after breaking into a daycare and stealing a bag of cash.

A Playstation and virtual reality headset were stolen from a couple’s car, which was left unlocked overnight. Ironically, they’ve probably never needed an escape from reality more than they do now.

A man was driving around with a flat front tire when he was stopped by police. After finding drugs in the vehicle, police asked the man and his passenger to exit the car. At this point, the intoxicated driver began to resist arrest, kicking at the officer and shouting “I’m a black belt in Karate.” While this may work on everyone down at the dojo, officers were less than impressed by the man’s combat skills.

A man with an open bottle of Peaches and Cream-flavored booze was caught urinating near a food cart downtown late one evening, showing that there is just no accounting for good taste.

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