Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between April 14 and April 18.

Blotter of the Week: Someone took those Airheads commercials where your head blows up like a balloon a little too seriously and infused the candy with cannabis. The report doesn’t mention if the guy behind the wheel during a traffic stop had a normal-sized head or not, and we aren’t so sure what we’re hoping for.

Runners Up
Police reported a downtown man in a black hoodie and blue jeans hop onto a turquoise bike and ride away. This guy sure knows his colors, we were almost expecting the suspect to pull up to a magenta house and sell several baggies of chartreuse “plant material.”

A report regarding stolen shop items described the suspect as “looking like a mechanic,” which seemed a little vague until we all shared our assumptions of what that could look like and yield nearly identical results. All right, stereotyping, you win a round.

A West Ashley woman described her stolen SUV as being “a shade of gray” with a “Charleston” sticker featuring a silhouette of the Ravenel Bridge. That narrows it down.

A West Ashley elementary school principal told officers one of their students brought a pocket knife to class. Police later found the 8-inch blade in the kid’s backpack, raising multiple questions about the depth of the principal’s pockets, among others. 

One very brave man attempted to intimidate patrons in a downtown restaurant by lifting his shirt to brandish a gun. However, witnesses noted there was no gun on the man’s hip, pretty much ruining this and every future intimidation attempt this guy had up his sleeve … or down his pant leg. 

A West Ashley man pulled over and suspected to be driving under the influence told officers he didn’t want to take the field sobriety test because he had too much to drink and would likely fail. Not the only way to fail, bub.

A James Island man told officers he fell asleep behind the wheel because he had too much to drink, and there’s no law about sleeping under the influence. He has a point, but unfortunately, it’s not quite as effective when his car is sitting in the middle of the street. 

A downtown man probably could have gotten out of the ticket for marijuana possession if officers didn’t discover the stolen Glock in the back seat of his car.

In the land of 2020 excuses: A would-be shoplifter reportedly tried to tell employees of a West Ashley department store not to get near him due to “COVID-19 protocols.”