Blotter o’ the Week: When cops confronted a man who was standing outside the entrance to a corner store, the man said, “I am not doing anything wrong.” He was standing next to a “No Loitering” sign.

A middle school student was caught burning something in the back of a school bus. He told police he had found a lighter and something wrapped in aluminum foil in the seat in front of him, and he decided to light fire to whatever was in the aluminum foil. Foiled!

A man told police he was jogging to work when his wallet fell out of his pocket. He later discovered that someone had picked up his debit card and used it to make $770 worth of cash withdrawals.

When police asked a woman why she took 10 hours to report that someone had snatched a snakeskin purse off of her shoulder, she replied, “I just wanted to go home. It was raining.”

Stolen From Homes This Week: An iPad, a laptop computer, a 42-inch TV, three pairs of sunglasses, a gold watch with a B engraved on the clasp, a gold tennis bracelet with diamonds, three diamond rings, a ring with black diamonds, a pair of work boots, and an AK-47 with a flash suppressor loaded with 30 hollow-point rounds.

A man says he was lying down on the couch after drinking 24 beers and using “a 20 of cocaine” when his girlfriend walked in the door and stabbed him multiple times in the back of his right thigh. When police spoke to the man, his jeans were soaked with blood and he had a white T-shirt wrapped around his thigh.

After getting pulled over for weaving around in traffic in his Jeep, a man told police he was just drowsy because he had worked three 18-hour shifts in a row. He failed a field sobriety test and refused to blow into a Breathalyzer, so he was arrested on a DUI charge.

A man who was being arrested for trying to shoplift five pairs of sunglasses sat on the edge of a cop car’s back seat and said, “My leg doesn’t work,” then claimed that his leg was in pain. Following standard police procedure, the reporting officer called EMS to the scene. By the time the medics arrived, the man was saying that neither of his legs was working. EMS took the apparently immobile man to the hospital, where medical staff found that he had nothing wrong with him but an acute and sudden case of incarceritis. Then the police carted him off to jail for his sixth shoplifting charge.

Polite Police Request o’ the Week: “Do you care if I pat you down real quick? Because you smell real strongly of marijuana.” (The cop found three grams of weed in the man’s pockets.)

A man left two rifles, a shotgun, and an assault rifle in his car overnight and left the doors unlocked. He woke up in the morning and discovered that someone had stolen all of his guns.

After a bicyclist got caught trespassing on an active construction site, he confronted the superintendent and said, “Look at all this bullshit,” gesturing at the trees that were going to be cut down on the site. They cussed each other out for a minute before the trespasser took his bike and left, pulling a sign off of its post on the way out.

Comeyah Welcoming Committee o’ the Week: A marketing director arrived at his downtown office one Monday morning to discover that someone had vandalized five of his company’s Reserved Parking signs with messages including “Go back where you come from” and “Selfish assholes, this neighborhood hates you.”

Somebody stole a $359 driver head from the end of a golf club in a sporting goods store. A little birdie told the manager it was probably the guy who came into the store to have his clubs repaired and then started walking around the store looking suspicious.

Road Rage o’ the Week: A taxi driver got in a shouting match with a moped rider about whether he was allowed to ride on a bridge. At a stoplight, the cabbie got out of his car and pushed the man’s moped over, according to witnesses, and the moped driver hit him in the head with a motorcycle helmet. Then the moped driver sped off, careening on the sidewalk for a minute before re-entering traffic and sideswiping a car. The taxi driver said he tried to use his “citizen’s arrest powers” to stop the moped rider from leaving the scene, but to no avail.

Unflattering Suspect Description o’ the Week: A witness described a suspected bicycle thief as a man in his mid-40s, wearing camouflage work pants, a red shirt, and “poofy hair” with a bald spot.

During a drug bust at a house, police noticed that one of the residents had left some pay stubs and a 1040-EZ tax form out in his bedroom. Better hurry it up if you want those rebates, dude.