Illustration by Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Oct. 21 and Oct. 27. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Police responded to a downtown college campus after receiving reports about a suspicious paper bag. Police found the bag, but the report abruptly ended without mention of what was found inside. So, it was either an unspeakable Lovecraftian horror, or some sort of printer error. We like to think it’s the former. Stay weird, Charleston.

An officer approached a man he believed to be intoxicated on a downtown park bench and identified himself by name and rank. The man, who up until this point had a reasonable claim to sobriety, answered, “Well, I’m General George Fucking Washington.” So much for that.

A man pocketed a candy bar from a West Ashley convenience store and went to leave the store. When the cashier asked if he was going to pay for the candy, the man reportedly said he hadn’t taken anything. Sound defense — keep that one in your back pocket, right next to the candy bar.

Police put out an alert for a white four-wheeler after the driver was caught doing wheelies down King Street and dodged police by cutting across a field, giving officers in pursuit a “come here” gesture. Five minutes later, the driver was in the back of a police cruiser.

Police stopped a car downtown for not using its headlights after dark and caught a whiff of marijuana from inside. The officer found a small amount of marijuana on the driver, but issued no citation, and only a warning for the headlights. Progress!

A woman’s boyfriend dropped her off at home after a night of clubbing, and she was met by her child’s father slashing the tires on her car. The things some men will do out of jealousy.

Try to follow this one: A West Ashley man reported his Acura stolen. While he was speaking to officers, a second man arrived and said he sold three other people a Honda. Earlier that day, police responded to a call about a broken-down Honda that matched the description of the newly sold car. Police pieced together that the men who bought the Honda were upset about the car breaking down and returned to steal the Acura instead.

While being questioned by officers, a “known drug addict” admitted that he was holding some weed. He then retrieved roughly 70 Xanax pills from his pockets. He’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit.

One man tried to drop his glass pipe over the side of a concrete barrier while police were questioning him about suspicious behaviors in a downtown parking garage. Guess he forgot the sound of glass breaking is pretty noticeable.

A woman was convinced by some strangers over the phone to get her vehicle wrapped with a Mt. Dew/Pepsi logo, but she would have to wire them just shy of $3,000 to pay for the expenses. Let’s hope these oddly specific scammers dew time.

A woman and a child entered a West Ashley department store and the woman was seen using some sort of “cutting device” to remove the locks on several purses before running out of the store with the kid. Ah, mother-daughter bonding.