Illustration by Steve Stegelin

Blotter of the Week: A suspect in a surveillance video was described in a police report as wearing “white baklava and a hard hat.” We have no idea what this means, except that maybe someone got carried away at the Greek Festival.

RUNNERS UP

We’ll just quote this one straight from the incident report: Around mid-afternoon on a Sunday, an officer saw a man “standing in the median of Savannah Highway, nude from head to toe, facing north, masturbating with his left hand.”

Somebody stole a tractor from a lot belonging to a landscaping company. Tractors: Sexy. Stealing tractors: Definitely not sexy.

When a police officer stopped a man who was drinking beer on a sidewalk in broad daylight, the man said, “I needed it to wash down the spit because I just had a dip.” Then he added, “I’m going to the library, and I know you can’t have it in there.” The man was cited for an open container violation.