Blotter o’ the Week: We’ll just quote this one straight from the incident report: Around mid-afternoon on a Sunday, an officer saw a man “standing in the median of Savannah Highway, nude from head to toe, facing north, masturbating with his left hand.”

Around closing time at a golf-themed bar, a bartender was attempting to escort a patron to a taxi when the patron pulled out a knife and the bartender had to subdue him. Sounds like somebody is going to want a mulligan for the evening.

Lousy Luck o’ the Week: After getting caught drinking grape-flavored gin on a park bench, a man told a police officer, “I haven’t had a drink in months. I drink today and you catch me.”

A loss prevention officer says he saw a woman and a man who “dressed in a very feminine manner” walk out of her store with a shopping cart full of clothes without paying for them.

A suspect in a surveillance video was described in a police report as wearing “white baklava and a hard hat.” We have no idea what this means, except that maybe someone got carried away at the Greek Festival.

After somebody stole the .380-caliber handgun that a man was storing in a backpack on the floorboard of his pickup truck, the man told police, “I left my car door unlocked. I guess I got too comfortable with the neighborhood.”

A woman received a cell phone bill for $524.01 and discovered that someone had opened accounts in her name for 30 different cell phone numbers.

Pee Crime o’ the Week: A police officer watched as a man pulled his car up to a convenience store, got out, and walked around the side to pee in the woods. The restroom in the convenience store was in working order.

Somebody stole a tractor from a lot belonging to a landscaping company. Tractors: Sexy. Stealing tractors: Definitely not sexy.

On a Monday night, a police officer found a man sitting on the steps of a post office with a bunch of luggage around him. The officer asked the man if he had been drinking, and he replied, “Since Friday.” The man also said he had consumed three pints of vodka that day.

When a police officer stopped a man who was drinking beer on a sidewalk in broad daylight, the man said, “I needed it to wash down the spit because I just had a dip,” then he added, “I’m going to the library, and I know you can’t have it in there.” The man was cited for an open container violation.

Somebody broke into a liquor store at night and stole nine cases of alcoholic beverages and two cash register tills containing about $500.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A laptop computer, a 5,000-watt generator, a 3,000-watt generator, an XBox One with two controllers and two games, a leather electrical tool belt, a cable cutter, a torque wrench, six nut drivers, $120 in cash, a 9-mm handgun, 17 9-mm rounds, and a pump-action shotgun.

A police officer stopped to check on a car that was pulled over with damage on the driver’s side. The driver handed the keys to the officer and said, “I can’t get it to work. Maybe you can try.” The man said he had been drinking. When the officer asked the man what had caused the damage to the side of the vehicle, he replied, “I have no idea. There’s no damage to my car.”

Stupid Graffito o’ the Week: Somebody broke through a fence to enter private property and spray-painted what appeared to be the word “PDooc” in silver paint on the side wall of a business.

After an officer stopped a man because he was stumbling down the sidewalk, the man said, “Why don’t you just Taser me? Better yet, just go on and shoot me! ‘Cause I have been drinking, you’re gonna shoot me.” The officer did not shoot him, but the cop did arrest the man on a public intoxication charge.

A man ran up a $1,282.50 bar tab while he was out at a bachelor party. He tried to pay the tab, but three of his credit cards were declined. He was arrested on a charge of defrauding the restaurant. Baller status revoked.

A police officer pulled a car over for having dark tinted windows and noted that the driver was “overly polite and extremely cooperative.” When the officer asked the man to step out of the vehicle, he said, “You can search anything you like, and I don’t have anything.” He had 4 grams of marijuana tucked in his sock.