Blotter o’ the Week: Responding to a house where someone had dialed 911, police found a naked man sitting on the couch holding a flashlight and a Bible. He told the officers to “call the police” and get out of his house.

Weird Prank Call o’ the Week: Somebody called the police to report that two gunmen were committing an armed robbery at a restaurant. Officers arrived and cleared the building, only to find out from a manager that there was not a robbery in progress.

Somebody threw a cinder block through a grocery store window at night, went inside, and used a trash bag to steal a bunch of cigarettes.

Cryptic Threat o’ the Week: After stumbling into a car and taking a swing at a bouncer outside a night club, a man was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge. While EMS was checking out his busted lip, the man said, “I swear to God I’m going to see y’all motherfuckers on my grandma.”

A woman was caught shoplifting Q-tips, gauze pads, Neosporin, and a 12-pack of beer from a grocery store. She told police that she had been drinking a lot lately and had made a dumb mistake. But when the cops put her in handcuffs, she put up a fight and said that “she did not agree with being arrested due to the fact that, once asked by the security guard, she willingly returned to the store and admitted that she had stolen the products,” according to an incident report. Sorry, lady, no take-backs.

Police stopped a man who was walking in traffic on the Ravenel Bridge toward Mt. Pleasant, where he said his car was parked. This is the third time in the past month that a pedestrian has been caught walking in the road, mere feet away from the part of the bridge that was built specifically for pedestrians. Seriously, y’all, why is this such a hard concept to grasp?

A woman says her husband threw a slice of pizza at her and then grabbed her arm.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A chop saw, a skill saw, a reciprocating saw, an air compressor, a router, five nail guns, $500 in cash, a Nikon D200 camera, a Nikon D600 camera lens, and two gallons of paint.

Someone stole a Kevlar bulletproof vest, a camouflage military helmet, a pair of night vision goggles, and a military “go bag” from a vehicle. The owner said he had left the car unlocked overnight, and the stolen equipment was worth $11,250 in all.

Scofflaw o’ the Week: After laughing at a taxi driver and refusing to pay a $6 fare, a man got out of the cab and ran toward a bowling alley, where a bouncer asked to see his ID. Just after he handed over his license, the cab driver caught up and told the bouncer not to let the man inside, so the man took off running again, hopped into his own Lexus, and tried to drive away. When a cop stopped him and asked why he hadn’t paid the fare, the man laughed and said, “I don’t have to.”

Weed Stash o’ the Week: A man admitted to police that he was hiding marijuana in a tissue box in the front seat of his car. The officer thought it was nothing to sneeze at and gave him a citation for simple possession.

A man says he accidentally left his wedding band on a counter in a convenience store while pulling change out of his pockets. He returned to the gas station and could not find the ring.

According to an incident report about a bar brawl, two gentlemen said they were talking with some women when another man walked up and “wanted to berate them with words of disrepute” and then “initiated a bout of fisticuffs” with them. The other man claims that all he did was ask for a cigarette and one of the gentlemen sucker-punched him in the head. All three men were arrested on disorderly conduct charges.

A cop caught a man drinking from an open bottle of beer on the sidewalk and told him to throw it away. The man walked up to a trash can and tried to chug the whole thing first. The officer handed him a ticket for an open container violation.

A grocery store employee says his manager ordered him to pick up pine needles and trash in the parking lot from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and never offered him any water breaks. When the employee came inside to cool off for 10 minutes and started bagging groceries, the manager allegedly grabbed his arm, pulled him away from the checkout lane, and fired him.

A babysitter was sleeping on the couch at 4:30 a.m. when she heard rustling noises near the television. She thought it was one of the children trying to turn on the TV, but when she rolled over to look, she saw two men had just unplugged the TV and were trying to carry it out of the house. She screamed, and the men dropped the TV and ran out.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: Somebody managed to steal 11 tops, 15 skirts, and 42 pairs of pants that were inside a portable bin near the front of a clothing store. Total value: $2,798.60.

A man walked out of a bar at about 2:15 a.m., leaned on a parked vehicle, and started peeing on it. An officer waited until the man was finished peeing and then placed him in handcuffs.