Blotter o’ the Week: Officers watched as an intoxicated man tried to make off with a bright orange traffic cone one evening. Not surprisingly, he was easily tracked down and taken into custody.

In a modern take on the Three’s Company formula, a landlord called police after finding that a tenant had two unauthorized women living in his apartment. When instructed that the women would need to move out, the man told his landlord, “You got your gun. I got my bat. Let’s see who gets fucked up first,” according to an incident report. The tenant also said he would blow up his home and demolish it with a chainsaw if he didn’t get his way.

Thieves busted the driver’s side window of a man’s car, but according to the victim, the only thing stolen was his loose change.

A vehicle blaring loud music pulled up next to an officer, who noticed the driver had her windows down and she was singing loudly. Clearly not a fan of the live show, the officer decided the driver was causing a disturbance and performed a traffic stop. A quick search revealed the woman had an outstanding warrant and she was taken into custody.

Officers woke a man who was found sleeping on a public bench around midnight. The man initially refused to get up, telling the officer, “I’m fine. I’m fine.” While speaking with the officer, the man continually lost consciousness mid sentence. He was eventually placed in jail, so he could sleep it off.

A woman told police she did not know how to turn on her car lights after being pulled over late one night. The woman soon admitted that she knew she was in trouble because she had too much to drink.

Police were contacted after a teacher received a threatening Facebook message from the parent of a student. According to an incident report, the message stated, “My son said you said something smart to him yesterday! Don’t fucking play with my son or you will get beat the fuck down!!! I don’t play when it comes to my children!!” When contacted by police, the parent said her son must have sent the message using her Facebook account.

Stolen Items O’ the Week: Video surveillance footage shows two habitual shoplifters enter a pharmacy and fill their backpacks with items before escaping. What was their big heist? More than $1,000 of diabetic testing strips.

An officer found a man on the street drinking malt liquor out of a Styrofoam cup. The man said he was drinking because he had an infected tooth and the beer made the pain go away.

Officers inside a grocery store were asked to help remove a former employee who had just been fired. The manager said when he confronted the ex-employee, the man acted aggressively and began rapping a song about shooting people and Columbine High School. After he finished rapping, the man stared at the manager silently for almost a full minute, according to witnesses.

Staff at a convenience store stopped a man after watching him try to walk out carrying six large bags of frozen chicken nuggets without paying. Employees also spotted two six-packs of beer hanging out of the man’s unzipped backpack. The man returned everything except one can of beer before fleeing the scene.

A drunk man urinated on himself while attempting to break into what he thought was his own home. In his defense, he was only half a mile off.

Things got a little too wild at one popular hot wing cafe. A disorderly customer was forced to leave after threatening to break an employee’s face.

A woman reported a possible peeping tom after a man was spotted looking into the windows of her home. When asked if it may have been a private investigator, the homeowner said that her male friend is going through a divorce and his soon-to-be ex-wife had been spotted taking pictures nearby while the homeowner and the ex-husband were cooking dinner together. Turns out, private investigators can peep all they want while on duty and the complaint was dropped.

A man exited a store to find three of his tires had been slashed. He told police he did not have any known enemies, but he had fired an employee earlier that day.

Police were called to remove a bar patron who was causing a disturbance. The troublemaker told officers he had been pushed over by customers at the bar, but witnesses said the man simply tripped. While being searched by police, the man was asked if he had any sharp objects in his pockets that would stick the officer. The man replied that the officer would just have to find out. Turns out, the officer was done dealing with pricks for the evening and the man was taken to jail.