Illustration by Steve Stegelin

Blotter of the Week: A downtown woman was caught on security footage shoplifting a bottle of wine from a nearby grocery store, and police found her sitting on a bench a little more than a block away drinking from the already-half-empty bottle. When officers told her to pour out the alcohol, she reportedly began chugging it. 

Runners Up

In a long report detailing a physical altercation between officers and a man who resisted arrest after trespassing, police said the interaction ended with them “escorting [the offender] to the ground.” Even the cops are angling for that next “America’s politest city” designation.

A West Ashley man attempted to steal a change-counting machine and a cash-counting machine, but was unable to efficiently carry them both out of the store. Aren’t entry-level shoplifters supposed to start with cigarette cartons? Maybe leave these obviously-not-prime-pilfering targets to the experts.

The manager of a downtown store told officers he didn’t want to get into an altercation with a man he described as a “regular,” even though he was filling a report after being assaulted by the customer. Sure it’s great for the people at your favorite place to know your name, but not for that reason.

A James Island man who officers suspected was highly intoxicated told them he had come from “that way,” and pointed to his left. When EMS arrived later to evaluate him, he told them he had come from the opposite direction. When officers pointed out the contradiction, he called them “bitch boys.”

A downtown woman pulled over by officers for suspected driving under influence handed officers a pamphlet with a Bible scripture on it and a small block of wood instead of her license and registration. Must’ve been coming home from communion.