BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A driver tried to conceal an open can of malt liquor in his cup holder by covering it with a pair of boxer shorts before an officer looked inside the vehicle. Because that’s totally not suspicious-looking at all.

A man got in a fight with a stranger at a bar and ended up getting his cosmetic front-teeth implants knocked out. There was a lot of chatter in the parking lot afterward.

Marijuana Possession Explanation o’ the Week: “Ugh, shit, I forgot that was in there.”

A man left his SUV’s engine running while he went into a service station to pay for gas. When he came back outside, the vehicle was gone. This isn’t Mayberry, people.

The Things They Shoplifted: Two rib-eye steaks and three cartons of cigarettes.

While repairing yachts at a dock, a worker got mad and threw a can of varnish at his boss, completely covering his face. Apparently he took the phrase “stick it to the man” literally.

Standing on a downtown street corner at 1 a.m., a woman repeatedly told everyone within earshot that she had fallen down. She was arrested for disorderly conduct after cursing out EMS workers and police.

After getting run off the road by a man in a luxury car, a bicyclist pulled over to flip the driver the bird. The driver then stopped 300 feet ahead, got out of his car, and stormed toward the woman on the bike. She said, “You better back up off me before I call the police,” and the driver changed his mind and drove off — but not before the biker got his license tag number and called the police anyway.

What Not to Say to Cops: “I would whoop both of your asses.”

In a bar fight, a man hit his opponent with a pitcher full of pineapple juice.

A drunk man who was seen standing in someone’s backyard told police that he thought he was behind a sorority house and was trying to get inside to visit a friend. This is what happens when you try to recreate Animal House in real life.

Honest DUI Response o’ the Week: After being pulled over and asked how much he had to drink, a motorcyclist said, “Enough to be arrested.” After being instructed to stand on one foot and count out loud, he confessed, “I wasn’t listening to anything you said.”

Three men were hiding bags of weed and cocaine in the lining behind the front zippers on their pants. An officer saw their bulging pant crotches and knew right away that the men were either hiding something or terribly insecure in their manhood.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.