Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between March 18 and March 22. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A West Ashley man who was suspected of being high on bath salts charged at bystanders and yelled, “I have something for you,” before chucking a battery in their direction. Someone call the North Pole and tell the elves to stop giving Santa bath salts, please. It’s only March.

Expecting this edition of the Blotter’s reports to be full of party busts and stolen alcohol in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, we found only one report from a convenience store clerk regarding an alcohol theft. Look at you, Charleston, you’re growing.

A downtown man stopped by police told officers he had about 2 grams of marijuana in his pocket. After a quick search, they found the baggie and found it to weigh almost exactly 2 grams. Wonder if that helped or hurt his case in the moment.

Two different shoplifting reports came from two different stores robbed by two different women. The interesting part: both stole crayons, coloring books and other miscellaneous arts and crafts supplies. Is this a new crime syndicate we’re going to have to look out for?

 A pseudo-conscious man told cops breaking up a St. Paddy’s Day party that it was hosted by “Pi Kap, Pike and Sig Ki.” Police speculate this translates to various fraternities. They’ve cracked the code.

A downtown hotel reported they have been receiving suspicious letters in the mail for weeks that were addressed to them, from themselves. Each letter contained $2,500 checks made out to different people. If this is the first case of time travel in the Lowcountry, we want in.

We would like to retract our earlier statement regarding the emotional growth of Charleston due to the lack of alcohol thefts. Upon another glance, the day’s packets were filled with public intoxication, drunkenness, open containers and driving under the influence reports — 27 to be exact. We’ll get there one day.

 A catalytic converter was stolen from a man’s car while it was parked in a downtown lot. These mischievous mechanics better get while the getting’s good, Mr. Law is about to crack down on these catalytic converter thefts.

A bike that was described as dark green with a torn seat cloth, scratches on the center post, and a clamp holding it together was stolen. The victim said he bought the bike for $1,300 which is almost as much as this Blotter reporter paid for his car that fits a similar description.

A would-be shoplifter was caught by a West Ashley store’s employee due to their suspicious behavior: carrying four rolling suitcases by hand, instead of rolling them on the floor.

One drunken downtown man trying to emulate an internet meme from the early 2010s reportedly told police he was “trying to fuck the go home.” In a twist no one saw coming, he was immediately arrested for public intoxication.