Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Jan. 27 and Feb. 1. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: An assortment of seafood was shoplifted from a downtown grocery store alongside some rubbing alcohol, peroxide and Band-Aids. This tells a clear story of a fishing trip gone awry, but we will spare the thieves the embarrassment and let them convince their friends and family that the snappers were the catch of the day.

In this week’s installment of the criminal carpenter, $8,600 in lumber was purchased with a credit card over the phone. Before you think our guy has turned over a new shingle, the credit card was later discovered to be stolen.

A woman told officers that while stopped at the Savannah Highway drawbridge, she was rear-ended by a red Mazda that was rear-ended by a different white car. The driver of the Mazda reportedly jumped out of their car and into the white car, which fled the scene. Ah, fast friendships forged in sticky situations are truly a light in the darkness.

A West Ashley big box store’s loss prevention officer was on break in the parking lot when he saw two folks stuffing their car full of shoplifted merchandise, one such item was confirmed as a Hover-1 Max Hoverboard. If only the thieves had used that as their getaway vehicle.

Police discovered a small amount of marijuana rolled up in a lottery ticket inside a man’s car after threatening to retrieve his K-9 partner from his patrol vehicle. We weren’t sure what to use as the punchline, the fear of the K-9, or the lottery ticket being put to better use, so here’s a half-assed attempt at both.

Two highly modified shotguns and multiple boxes of ammunition were stolen from the back of a Toyota 4Runner in a downtown parking lot, and a handgun was stolen from a West Ashley storage container. Less pressing, but just as interesting, two 5-pound dumbbells were stolen from a third vehicle parked downtown.

Police busted two West Ashley men for suspected drug dealing, and are holding onto their two iPhones, a black flip phone and more than $1,000 cash as evidence. Eligible to be returned, however, is the gun. Because freedom, we guess.

The same man popped up in no fewer than four reports this week, and in the most recent, he was described as a “local vagrant needing many police interactions.” Reports include sipping a sex on the beach along a downtown street and tossing a glass pipe with black tar-like residue into some bushes outside a downtown church.

A woman who previously told officers about an ex-boyfriend stalking her said the man reportedly set up a private photoshoot for her with a downtown photography studio. Officers are unsure of whether this appointment was made after they told the guy to stop contacting her, but either way, that’s a little much, we think.

A James Island man reported that his car had been stolen by his friend after they had spent some time hanging out at his house. The man later received a text message saying only, “Your car is fine.” That’s not that reassuring, buddy.