Stolen from vehicles this week: A 12-gauge shotgun, a .260-caliber hunting rifle, an iPod, a GPS unit, a pair of white knit gloves covered in LED lights, $60 in cash, and a cheetah-print fuzzy blanket with a silky brown bottom.
Do-Nothings o’ the Week: Somebody broke through the glass door of a pharmacy and turned the interior lights on but apparently did not steal or disturb anything inside. In another incident, someone stood on top of a cooler outside of a kitchen window and cut the screen but did not open the window, which was unlocked.
A man who was caught in possession of hashish marijuana told police that he learned how to make it from YouTube. That’s why they call it the information super-high-way.
After receiving a court summons for a noise violation, a man called police dispatchers eight times over the course of 15 minutes, repeatedly demanding to know the names of officers and asking to speak to a supervisor. Police responded to his home and arrested him on a charge of unlawful use of a telephone.
According to witnesses, a youngster hot-wired a moped, rode it for about five blocks, and then ditched it with a flat front tire. Shortest joyride ever.
A store manager placed his hand on a man’s shoulder as he attempted to walk out of a store with two rib-eye steaks hidden under his jacket. The would-be shoplifter, no master of sleight of hand, hurriedly threw the steaks into a nearby basket and claimed they had been in there the whole time.
Honest Shoplifter o’ the Week: After getting busted stealing two bracelets, a necklace, and a ring, a woman told police, “Of course I’m guilty. It’s on camera. I’m not going to deny it.”
Observant Cop o’ the Week: In an incident report about a traffic stop, an officer noted that “the driver’s breathing was heavy and his carotid artery was vigorously throbbing.” A search of the driver’s car turned up a glass marijuana pipe, Valium, Xanax, and muscle relaxant pills.
During a fight on a CARTA bus, a man reportedly told the driver to stop the bus and then attempted to punch another man’s wheelchair-bound girlfriend. This is why people are afraid to take public transportation.
A loss prevention officer watched as a man took a toilet seat from the bathroom section of a store and tried to return it as if he had bought it. Store security pinched the naughty potty prevaricator.
Somebody broke into a vacant rental property and stole a stove and refrigerator. The thief is probably cooling his heels and cooking up another plan right now.
Using high-powered binoculars, police watched from a distance as a man pulled his bicycle up to a public housing complex, took a large wad of cash out of his sock, and walked inside one of the houses. The officers arrested the man after he left the building half an hour later with a bag of cocaine. Attention, drug buyers: You’re not paranoid; they really are watching you.
A landscaper claims that someone stole a weed eater, an edger, a trimmer, and two leaf blowers from his work trailer. If the perpetrator is ever caught, his ass is grass.
Fightin’ Words o’ the Week: “Man, you better get out my face before you get stick.”
After police spotted a man hiding near a woodline, he took off running through a yard. Police told the man to freeze, but he kept running until he collided with a chain-link fence and announced, “I give up.” He had crack rocks in his sock.
Involuntary Sugar Daddy o’ the Week: A man believes that his ex-girlfriend opened two credit card accounts in his name and bought $417.20 worth of baby items.