Blotter o’ the Week: An intoxicated man was standing in the middle of the street swinging a large orange traffic barrel and eventually damaging the sign of a nearby salon. When asked why he was putting on the roadside demonstration, the man told police that he was simply responding to all the drivers who were shouting at him as they passed.

A man ran up to an officer and claimed that he was being followed by a woman parked behind him. After questioning the alleged stalker, the officer was told that she was simply trying to get photographic evidence of the man stealing newspapers. According to the woman, she is contracted to deliver the papers and is required to pay $2 for each missing publication. One of the woman’s couriers then arrived on scene and told the officer that the man parks his car along her route and steals papers after she leaves them on doorsteps.

Two former employees attempted to steal Christmas at a local dollar store. One of the grinches pretended to purchase candy canes, garlands, ornaments, and a Christmas tree while her friend at the cash register chose not ring them up. They were both fired, so it won’t be such a happy holiday for at least two individuals.

An intoxicated man was getting a ride back to his dorm from his girlfriend when the two got into an argument. Not one for confrontation, the man then climbed out of the door of the moving vehicle and into the bed of the truck before jumping out and fleeing. The girlfriend was unable to track down the daring drinker who later called 911 to report that his truck had been stolen.

A woman called police to report that she has been receiving multiple unwanted calls on her business phone from a strange man. The woman also received an email from the man saying, “Maybe we can go watch the movie Collateral Beauty and forget all about it” followed by a frowning emoticon. Not being a fan of Will Smith’s dramatic work, the woman did not take the man up on his offer.

A woman called police one morning after she awoke to find she had a mysterious “burning sensation in her genital area,” according to an incident report. Sounds like she should have called the fire department instead.

One very existential vandal decided to carve “Karma is a bitch” into the hood of another person’s car. While a very enlightened example of property damage, this is likely not the surest path to nirvana.

A couple got into an argument over a bottle of wine one evening. After the woman chose to leave their home, she received a text from her boyfriend, stating, “I am going to make all you stuff like trash and from tomorrow I will start trash it.” The woman returned home to find her belongings strewn throughout their apartment and their Christmas tree lying on the ground. This is probably what the boyfriend meant by “make all you stuff like trash,” and after asked about the mess, he responded, “Everything can be put in back the place where it was before. I was lost and what about my pain? Look at the other page and feel it, that how much I was sad.”

A woman called police to report that all the change stored in a plastic animal cracker container in her closet was missing. The woman estimated the total value of the coins at approximately $600.

An intoxicated driver had a difficult time opening her car door to speak with an officer, but soon admitted that she was “sleeping in the car with her husband.” But according to an incident report, she was alone. An easy enough mistake, but then the woman stated, “It’s a little weird, but I’m watching Gilmore Girls right” and pointed at her car radio. According to an incident report, the woman then became confused when the officer informed her that her radio does not have Netflix.

The police department’s “bait bike” managed to catch two attempted bike thieves as they attempted to pedal away with a tagged two-wheeler.

Two high-class suspects entered a grocery store and made off with $360 of canned salmon and $248 worth of champagne.

An intoxicated pedestrian told an officer he drank five or six entire bottles of whiskey, which seems like enough. Bottle four is probably a good time to call it a night.