Blotter of the Week: Police found the makings of a meth lab on the roof of a college dormitory. Back in my day, kids just abused Ritalin to get through exam week …

A man says he was staying at a hotel with a “female friend” one evening when he woke up in the middle of the night and discovered that the woman, his wallet, his keys, and his truck were all missing. When asked who the woman was, the man said he only knew her by the name “New York” and said she was six to eight months pregnant.

A man is accused of following a woman and three children through a store videotaping them with his cell phone. When a stranger approached the man to see what he was doing, it became apparent that the man’s testicles were outside of his pants. A complainant at the scene said, “I did not see his full penis, but certainly his balls.”

A woman who works for a cleaning company is accused of stealing a stand mixer from a mall department store. Just another mixed-up criminal.

A man says he, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s son drank some bottled water and then realized that holes had been punched in all of the bottles’ caps. The girlfriend reported having an upset stomach the next morning.

A man shoplifted a pair of overalls by stuffing them inside his pants.

Things escalated pretty quickly after a convenience store clerk confronted a customer who was shoplifting a can of beer. A fight broke out, and the cashier allegedly shanked the shoplifter with a pair of scissors. Suggested new store slogans: “A Cut Above the Rest!” or “We’re Slashing Prices!”

When police caught a man carrying cocaine, he said it was for personal use and added, “I am trying to wean myself off of heroin.”

Jackass o’ the Week: A man reportedly banged on a cab driver’s window and cursed him out after refusing to pay a cab fare. The man’s girlfriend, who arrived on the scene and paid his fare for him, then became the object of his wrath, and he followed her into a nearby fast food restaurant and called her a bitch. When officers came to arrest the man, he kicked an officer in the stomach and said, “Suck my dick.” During the course of his ride to the jail, the man spit on at least three different cops. Police found a man passed out in the parking lot behind a fine-dining restaurant. When asked how many Four Lokos he had to drink that day, the man replied, “Enough.”

When an officer found a man lying on the sidewalk holding a bicycle, the man explained himself by saying, “I’m riding my bike.” Well, he was obviously taking a ride of some sort.

A gas station manager says a man grabbed an entire display box of Snickers and ran off with it.

Shortly after bar closing time, police saw four men chasing after a bicycle rickshaw and repeatedly punching a passenger in the backseat. All four men were arrested on disorderly conduct charges.

A man tried to turn on the water in his home one afternoon and heard water hitting the ground under the house. He went under the house to investigate what he figured was a leak and found out that someone had sawed off and stolen his copper pipes.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two car batteries, a jacket, a license plate, a backpack, a laptop computer, two speakers, two amplifiers, a touch-screen car stereo unit, a wallet, a credit card, $700 in cash, and four tires.

A woman says her roommate stabbed her during an argument over space in the community freezer. When police arrived at the woman’s house, she was bleeding from numerous wounds on her wrist.

Police Report Quote o’ the Week: “The vehicle sustained fictional damage to the driver side rear fender.” We have read this quote seven times and do not know what it means.

Cops caught up to a driver who had been accused of a hit-and-run and noticed that he smelled like booze. When they asked the man if he had hit anything with his car, the man said, “I think a pole maybe.” Actually, it was a Volkswagen Jetta.

A man was found peeing on the back exterior wall of an Italian restaurant. He apparently had a hard time straining his noodle.

A Middle Eastern-sounding man reportedly called a furniture store 100 times in the course of an afternoon and made racial slurs against the store’s Jewish owners and African-American managers. At least he didn’t make any remarks about the ottomans or the Persian rugs.

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