Blotter o’ the Week: Police arrived at the home of a panicked woman claiming to be the daughter of Beyoncé Knowles. The woman also said that her couch was filled with 500 rats and that rodents were also crawling through the air vents. While speaking with police, the woman pulled out a joint and began smoking before she was eventually taken into custody.

While being escorted to jail, an intoxicated man told the officer, “I am from Chicago. That’s where they murder police officers every day.” After the officer refused to provide the Windy City resident with his first name, the man added, “That’s easy to find out. The Hell’s Angels will get you in a heartbeat.” The suspect later showed police a tattoo on his arm of the Joker and told them that the tattoo will “describe the next three months of your life.” The man finished his reign of terror by attempting to tackle the officers, but quickly fell to the floor and began bleeding from the chin.

A man entered a diner to report that he had just been robbed. According to a police report, the thief took $3 in change and a bottle of pills from the man’s pocket. Fortunately, the considerate crook entered the diner and returned the victim’s medication before fleeing.

An FBI agent lost his badge while visiting Charleston.

An intoxicated woman bit her boyfriend’s ear when he tried to take her car keys after a Halloween party.

Employees at one jewelry store reported that a man entered the shop and requested to look at their selection of engagement rings. An employee placed a case on the counter for the man to peruse. Once the employee stepped away to assist another customer, the man grabbed the entire case and ran out the door.

An intoxicated man collided with a parked car one evening while pulling into a parking lot. When police found the man, he was unaware of the accident and he said he was just trying to take a nap in his car. The man later urinated on himself while being taken to jail.

An officer woke up an intoxicated driver who had parked on the side of the road to take a nap. The officer noted in his report that the driver was unable to stop drooling. When asked how much he had to drink that night, the man replied, “About two drinks too much.”

A drunk driver was stopped for speeding. When asked if he had been drinking, the man said he had only been “smoking cigarettes with his friends on Folly Beach,” according to an incident report.

While searching a truck for drugs, officers opened the tailgate and were surprised to find two women hiding in the covered truck bed.

A man needed help finding his way out of a cemetery while walking home from a bar. He was dead drunk.

A victim reported that two diamonds valued at more than $55,000 had been stolen from her safe. When asked if anyone else had access to the safe, the woman mentioned that the combination was only one digit.

A shoplifter made off with $550 worth of aspirin, lighters, and air fresheners.

Police located a man suspected of stealing loose change from unlocked cars. He was easily identified by the quarters overflowing from his pockets and causing his shorts to fall down.

After being removed from a nightclub, an intoxicated patron attempted to assault a bouncer with the velvet ropes outside of the bar.

A woman called police after she received a suspicious envelope containing a white, powdery substance. After a thorough check by the bomb squad and hazmat unit, it was determined that the package contained crushed Adderall.

An officer was called to a downtown bar to break up a fight between two patrons. When police asked one of the brawlers for an explanation, he would only say, “The guy thought he was better than me.”

While responding to a noise complaint, police found the offender alone in his apartment listening to the radio. He told police he was celebrating his birthday.

A man was found sleeping on the ground outside of a fast-food restaurant on Halloween night. He told officers he had been out trick-or-treating with his friends, but they had abandoned him after he became intoxicated.