BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: During an alleged domestic dispute, a woman held a knife to her husband’s neck in self defense as he yelled, “Kill me!” The two calmed down by the time police arrived. Neither could explain how the fight started, but they believe they were arguing over the end of daylight savings time.

A man already arrested three times for driving with a suspended license allegedly tried to avoid arrest number four by jumping into the bushes near his car. When police found him, the suspect said he wasn’t hiding, he was taking a nap.

Roadside Parental Advice O’ The Week: After her daughter was charged with driving under the influence, a mom’s only advice was, “Whatever you do, don’t blow.”

If you break into my car and steal something, you’re a thief. If you bust my window and don’t take anything, you’re just a jackass.

A drunk downtown reveler with nowhere to sleep told police he needed to spend the night in jail rather than on the street. He said he had a black belt in martial arts and didn’t want anything “bad to happen” if someone tried to rob him.

Failed Sobriety Test O’ The Week: “A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, X, Y, L, M, N, O, P, Q, C, M, Z”

A frazzled woman walked into the police station last week, warning that she’d seen three men hanging around downtown speaking a foreign language. This is why Juan Williams doesn’t visit town more often.

Stolen Items O’ The Week: Seven bikes, two GPS units, and a laptop.

Coming back from deployment overseas, a solider reported someone had broken into his home while he was gone. Arriving a week before his return to check in on the place, his friends found that his door had been kicked in and soda cans and “feminine products” were scattered around the apartment. Nothing was missing, but the TV didn’t work anymore.

Congrats O’ The Week: “Good luck, while it lasts for you. Am I bitter about it all? What do you think?”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.