BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: DIY cheese plate ideas: Steal a bag of baby Swiss cheese, a cheese spread, and a bag of maple honey ham from a grocery store deli. You’ll probably get away with it if you don’t also spring for two canned Starbucks drinks from an entirely different part of the store.

A man tried to pee in a downtown parking lot, but was knocked out during an altercation with what appears to be three public urination watchdogs.

Stolen from a car parked downtown: A Glock with a fully loaded magazine, two iPod Classics, and $20 in cash.

A man accidentally broke a woman’s phone. When she asked him to leave her house, he intentionally broke her window.

In a show of dedication and, perhaps, strategy, two women stole $1,000 worth of clothes from a West Ashley department store during three visits spanning two weeks.

A local TV news producer received a video on Facebook showing children being hit, dropped, and strangled. Upon further consideration, she reported the video to police.

An employee of a Market Street café was caught on camera stealing $945 from a deposit bag.

On his way to county jail, a man arrested for drunk driving admitted to officers, “I don’t feel that drunk, I mean, but, drunk is drunk.”

A couple was put on trespass notice from a downtown hotel after getting belligerently drunk at the bar and shouting expletives when police asked them to leave.

A man who was trying to steal his ex’s car, which he argues he paid for, told officers they “better call back up, I knock motherfuckers out for a living.” He was later charged with domestic violence.

A City Market vendor reported that a “rose kid” stole a $700 basket that was on display at his booth.

A man tried to set his ex-girlfriend’s gas tank on fire after she wouldn’t let him into her house.