Blotter o’ the Week: A man was spotted masturbating outside of a downtown sandwich shop. He apparently lost olive his self control and couldn’t help but think about those warm, toasty buns.

A woman told police that she was standing in a downtown bar when a woman threw a drink on her boyfriend and punched her in the face before fleeing to a neighboring bar. The boyfriend later told an officer that the suspect in the hit-and-run was a former girlfriend of his and the two had been separated for more than a year. It appears they did not end on the best of terms.

Two suspects skipped out on their $116 dinner bill, which included $66 worth of margaritas and enough cheese dip and nachos to satisfy even the hungriest delinquent.

A man was eating toppings off of the hotdog station in a corner store before he filled his pockets with candy and fled the scene.

A man entered a laundromat claiming to be a window cleaner and demanded $40 from the business for services rendered. After paying the man, the laundromat employee grew suspicious and called the manager of the window cleaning company for which the man claimed to work. It was soon discovered that the man was a former employee, but he had been fired last year for stealing. Now he has graduated from theft to the high-profile world of window cleaning imposter.

An intoxicated man was found passed out in the bushes outside of a gas station around noon one day. He told police that his wife had dropped him off for work that morning, but he was unsure how to contact her for a ride home. “The offender also stated that he did not have any friends because of his behavior,” an officer noted in an incident report. This just goes to show that a random hedge is not the best place to meet people.

An exterminator was inspecting an unoccupied home for termites when he came across a loaded Glock hidden in the crawlspace under the home. A quick search by police revealed that the gun had been reported stolen.

An intoxicated young man in a lifeguard shirt was in need of saving late one night. After being kicked out of a bar, police asked the man to remain seated to “keep him from falling over and hurting himself,” according to an incident report.

A man was unable to pay his cab fare, but was able to make a deal with the cab driver, who was told to return to the man’s home the following day to pick up the money he was owed, plus a little extra. Upon returning to the man’s home, the cab driver was asked to make change for a $50 in order to receive his payment. After handing the man $25, the driver received a white envelope from the man who quickly re-entered his home. The cab driver soon realized that the envelope was empty.

A man used stolen credit card information to book a luxury hotel room. Upon learning of the incident, hotel staff quickly changed the locks on the suspect’s room. He later fled the hotel, leaving behind his vape pen and keys to a brand-new Camaro. Sounds like a really cool guy.

An intoxicated woman was found standing in the middle of a downtown street screaming at passersby one evening. The woman was asked to put down the Four Loko she was holding and speak with police. According to an incident report, the woman told officers that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she “was just walking around and decided to get drunk because of her life issues.”

A drunk driver ignored orders from police and sped away from a McDonald’s drive-thru after being told to park his vehicle. The man was soon pulled over once again, but could not recall the conversation he had with an officer just moments before.