BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Several high school students are accused of knocking over a lamppost, but they claim they were just walking by when the thing fell over on its own. Gravity can be tricky like that.

A stolen laptop computer was described as “silver in color with spots of paint on the keyboard.” Sounds like someone needs to learn the basics of Microsoft Paint.

Squirrel Stash o’ the Week: While searching a house for stolen property, police found marijuana in a kitchen cabinet, under a mattress, and in a hall closet.

A man with a $5 bill in his pocket stole a $1.69 can of beer from a store. Maybe he was on a budget.

Someone stole a piece of jewelry described as an “Alexander the Great ring.”

An environmentally conscious shoplifter tried to steal groceries, cosmetics, and office supplies by putting them in reusable shopping bags and not paying for them at the cash register.

The Things They Shoplifted: A $75 bottle of perfume, a $6.99 four-pack of wine mini-bottles, a wife-beater shirt, two video game controllers, and a tuna sandwich.

A man was spotted in a downtown park with an open bottle containing Mountain Dew mixed with alcohol. That’s not how you do the Dew.

In a bar fight, a man allegedly took a swing at his opponent and missed, hitting the face of a nearby woman.

When confronted in a parking lot, a drunk man said he was in town for a wedding and was staying at a nearby grocery store.

Fancy Car Bummer o’ the Week: Police found a Porsche stuck in the marsh with muddy footprints leading toward the road.

Someone has been stealing cable and utility bills from a woman’s mailbox. Paperless billing: It’s a pretty good idea.

Rude House guest o’ the Week: Someone appears to have broken into a garage, slept in some blankets on the floor, and slashed a tire on the homeowner’s car with a box cutter.

Police confronted a man who was sitting on a bench in a park where he had previously been put on trespass notice, but he informed them, “I have diplomatic immunity from the state of Israel.” The ambassador was arrested.

After getting pulled over for reckless driving, a woman told an officer, “I can call someone who is sober to come drive me.”

Someone spray-painted “420” and a pot leaf on the rear driver side of a Berkeley County police cruiser.

Phone Threat o’ the Week: “Don’t talk shit to the dishwasher … I’m going to beat your ass.”

Drunk and Disorderly Quote o’ the Week: When police knocked on a door after hearing music from half a block away, a man came out to tell them, “I know my music is really loud, but I like this song.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.