Blotter o’ the Week: A guy who was squatting over the street with his pants to his ankles was advised by a nearby resident not to defecate on the street. The squatter then bit the man on his right hand and began to wrestle him. Note to self: Don’t argue with street shitters.

In what’s supposed to be a cause for celebration, a West Ashley woman’s tax season turned rather gloomy when she discovered that her $4,391 return was deposited into an unauthorized card courtesy of a fraudulent tax filing in her name.

A man who appeared to be selling drugs on the street started to run when he noticed a couple of officers. He was cited for disorderly conduct after engaging the cops in a foot chase that interrupted traffic, which is an ingenious way to detract from the fact that you were just openly selling drugs in plain view.

A woman had stolen $120 from multiple tables in the City Market when officers finally caught up with her, at which point she stood up and revealed a pipe full of weed and a container with Xanax.

A woman tried to steal $75 worth of jewelry from Kohl’s. That’s the joke.

Someone tried cashing two fake checks from the Charleston German Friendly Society, successfully drawing more than $1,000 from one check before being caught attempting to cash the second one. How he got the checks is still a mystery, but more importantly, who out there has beef with the German Friendly Society?

A man told officers that he threw a rock through a patrol car window, causing minor injuries to the officer inside, because he was having “social issues.”

A local taxi driver called the cops when the man he drove to work disappeared without paying the fare, which he said his boss would help him with. Ubers: 1. Taxis: 0.

A woman tried to steal clothes from a department store by hiding them in a concealed compartment under her baby stroller, because there’s two groups of people no one fucks with: moms and the elderly.

No good deed goes unpunished: After giving her sister’s friend a ride to work two months ago, a woman discovered that the friend had stolen her credit card and charged upwards of $600 on it, including four purchases at two different shoe stores.

A man told a driver delivering a 50-inch TV that he would “take it off his hands” by putting it in his trunk. Except the TV wasn’t his and an honorable customer is now going to miss the second reboot of American Idol, or whatever else is still on TV.

A West Ashley woman got drunk and decided to go pulling on people’s back doors, as opposed to, you know, doing Mariah Carey karaoke or ordering three large pizzas on a whim.

A man tried to lift the gate of a downtown city parking garage and broke it.

A man shattered the locked glass door of a fast food restaurant at 5 a.m. on Saturday night. We’ve all been there. Spiritually, of course.