Blotter o’ the Week: A homeless man entered a sandwich shop asking people for money to buy a sandwich. An employee reported that he was placing his hands on people and that he told her he was going to eat her. Responding officers arrived in time to see him waiving around a red toy fireman hat. When approached by the officers, the man angrily stated, “You white ass motherfucker ain’t shit. You can kiss my black ass dick.”

A police officer approached a man laying on a bench outside of a parking garage. He noticed a paper bag containing a cold-to-the-touch 16-ounce can of beer. The man told the police officer that he was going to “drink the shit out of that can.”

Officers stopped a man known to engage in narcotic activity. When asked if he had any weed on him, the man stated, “I was smoking earlier.” The officer then asked if he was in possession of anything illegal to which he replied, “I ain’t got anything, you know I would have run.” Officers conducted a search and found a bag of white powdery substance, to which the man said, “That’s just a little powder.”

A man received charges of $2,191.69 from a wireless service company as a result of fraud.

BUI o’ the Week: An officer noticed a man riding his bicycle on the wrong side of the road and stopped him for weaving through traffic in an unsteady manner. The offender asked, “Are you seriously going to take me to jail for riding my bike drunk?”

While patrolling a park, an officer noticed a man urinating towards the bushes on a sidewalk. The officer noted that the man unsuccessfully attempted to hide within the bushes. When approached, the offender stated, “I didn’t even get to finish. I only went a little bit.”

Stolen From Homes This Week: A cash register containing approximately $300, four televisions, a Mac Airbook, a bicycle, an Apple Macbook Pro, a black camera bag, a Nikon D80 camera, a Nikon D90 camera, three black camera lenses, a bottle of vodka, a brown leather messenger bag, two iPhone 4Ss, a blue iPhone 5C, a silver antique medallion, $200 from a wallet, a black Amazon Kindle, a cable circular saw, a hammer drill, 20 pounds of copper, 1,000 feet of extension cords, two cell phone chargers, a bottle of bourbon, and $55 from a purse.

An officer noticed a man pick up a 40-ounce can of beer from the ground, drink from it, set it back down, and walk away. The offender returned to his seat on a bench where he was previously eating lunch. When approached by the officer, the man stated that the beer wasn’t his, but if he sees a beer can or bottle on the ground than he will drink it.

An officer stopped a woman coming from an Aaron Carter concert for swerving over the lines. She admitted to consuming a fish taco, green beans, two whiskeys, and a few beers. She failed the standardized field sobriety tests and was charged with a DUI.

Exceptional Employee o’ the Week: An officer stopped a man walking down the street with a “brown marijuana cigarette” in his hand. The officer proceeded to search him for more contraband and the offender admitted, “I just wanted to get high before I go to work.”

As officers escorted a man arrested for armed robbery to their vehicle, a woman approached the vehicle screaming, “You ain’t taking him to jail.” She threatened the officer, saying, “If you touch me I’m going to spit on you.” She spit on one of the officers and said to the other officer, “That was meant for you.” Officers handcuffed her and placed her in the back of another cop car. She asked one of the officers to come closer to her window. The officer noticed her gurgling speech and refused her request. The offender smiled. With later inspection, the officer noticed a puddle of saliva with “chunks of mucus like substance.” Inside the station, the offender stated, “I hope he liked that spit. I hope it was warm.”

A caller complained that a man she did not know attempted to enter her home. When the officer arrived, the trespasser repeatedly insisted that it was his home. The officer verified that it was in fact not his home. The obviously intoxicated trespasser apologized multiple times.

A grandmother received a phone call from someone impersonating her grandson. The impersonator claimed that the police stopped him and found cocaine in his car. He proceeded to ask for $3,000 for bond. Another person claiming to be a police officer at the detention center advised the grandmother to place the money on prepaid cards. The grandmother did as she was told. She later called her grandson’s mother who informed her that her grandson was OK and not in jail.

The manager of a grocery store stopped a suspected shoplifter as he was walking out of the store. He released his backpack and said, “Keep it,” as he proceeded to leave. The manager found four $20 racks of ribs in his bag, a brush, and a roll of tape. The ribs were restocked in case you were wondering.

A gas station employee fraudulently put returns in the register multiple times during a shift and kept the money. At the time of the report, the employee had embezzled almost $2,000.