Dr. Seuss O’ The Week: Searching a suspicious suspect during a traffic stop, officers noted the man’s “right leg continued to shake uncontrollably.” Asked if he had anything on him, the man said, “I just have a little rock in my sock.” That would be cocaine rock, not rock rock.

Two high school girls taunted and threatened each other with texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages, as well as in face-to-face encounters. It was all over a boy, of course. One girl told school administrators she was willing to end the tiff as long as the other girl didn’t lay a hand on her. Since you’re reading this story here, as opposed to hearing about it from Oprah, it’s probably pretty clear that didn’t happen.

Items Stolen This Week: Five bikes, four GPS units, two iPods, and a laptop.

We wouldn’t recommend leaving your laptop in your car, but we would really advise against it if duct tape is the only thing keeping your window rolled up.

A DUI suspect performed poorly in a roadside sobriety test, getting stumped at V while reciting the alphabet. “Are you serious? You guys really want to take me to court, don’t you?” he asked officers. “I don’t have to drive. I can have my pastor pick me up.” Asked to complete the alphabet test, he said he was dyslexic and that it was proven.

Two women accused of stealing eight hairpieces from a beauty supply shop allegedly held a baby up in front of the security cameras to avoid being seen.

On patrol, an officer stopped to question a suspect about a beer bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag that was clearly visible on the car beside him. The man allegedly laughed and bent down to pick up a second bottle sitting on the ground. “That isn’t mine, but this one is.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.