Blotter o’ the Week: An officer caught two students attempting to quickly dispose of some alcohol they had been drinking in a school bathroom. During a search, the officer and the school’s principal located an unopened bottle of white zinfandel in one of the kid’s backpacks. Upon further questioning, the other student pulled an empty bottle of pinot grigio from his pants.

A school resource officer received a tip informing him that a high school student would be bringing candy containing marijuana to class. Inside the student’s backpack, the officer found three individually wrapped “penis and scrotum shaped” lollipops that were believed to contain THC. So a word to the wise — don’t be a sucker and be careful next time a teenager offers you candy that resembles genitalia.

Police were called after one woman lost her U.S. Department of Homeland Security access card and credentials.

Security footage shows a not-so-cunning cat burglar entering a shoe store through the ceiling and crawling across the floor until reaching the stock room. It was at this point that the store’s alarm system activated, and the suspect fled out the back of the store.

A shoplifter attempted to steal a plastic bag of 18 frozen burritos, car wax, and several towels by sneaking them out of the store in the front of his pants. He was later found by police sitting in his vehicle with the stolen items at his side.

Police were called after a high school coach overheard a conversation about one of his students sending out numerous pictures of his penis to multiple students. After recounting all of the messages that he had sent out over the years, the student’s mother was notified of her son’s flair for modeling.

After a month of living together, things just weren’t working out for one couple who called police to report that they had both been destroying and damaging each other’s property, according to an incident report.

A man on a bicycle came down with a case of road rage when a driver honked his car horn at the rider. After allegedly giving the driver the middle finger and shouting, the cyclist turned around and punched the passenger-side mirror off of the vehicle.

A woman reported that her car had been stolen from her home late one evening. She told police that the vehicle was left unlocked with the keys inside after she had returned home from running errands. The woman was unable to name any possible suspects, telling officers only that “people were watching her,” according to an incident report.

After finding that his car had been booted for delinquent parking tickets, a man removed the booted tire and placed it in the trunk before driving off on a spare, according to an incident report. It wasn’t until receiving another boot that the man finally paid off his parking tickets and returned the boots.

Arriving at the scene of a collision, an officer discovered a driver stuffing beer cans into his glove compartment. Upon seeing the officer, the man stiffened up and began complaining of excruciating neck pain. In an incident report, the officer noted that as he approached the vehicle, he was “engulfed by the scent of alcohol and urine.”

A man entered a convenience store late one evening and grabbed a 24 pack of beer before exiting the store without paying. After a store employee demanded that the shoplifter pay for the beer, the man returned the 24 pack and grabbed a 12 pack on his way out.

An intoxicated gentleman was attempting to sneak back into a bar after being removed due to his level of drunkenness. According to an incident report, the man was very emotional about losing his glasses. The officer told the man to leave the premises, but after only 15 minutes, the man was spotted returning to the bar.

Officers spotted a man urinating in public late one evening. As they approached, the man accidentally urinated on himself as he attempted to flee the police. After apprehending the man, police asked why he decided to use the sidewalk as a restroom, to which he replied, “I am drunk, and I do not know what you are talking about,” according to an incident report.