Blotter o’ the Week: Two days before Halloween, a minor dressed as a red Teletubby attempted to hide a bottle of liquor. He said, “Oh shit,” when he saw a police officer approaching.
Three men walked onto an older gentleman’s property and asked if they could trim his bushes for a fee. While the homeowner was out in the backyard with one of them discussing a tree that needed to be cut down, the two others disappeared for a while. Later, the homeowner discovered that the two men had stolen his cash, credit cards, driver’s license, and Social Security card from inside the house.
DUI Bar Tab o’ the Week: A 25-oz. beer, a can of Four Loko, and three glasses of champagne.
A woman tried to enter a bar using a fake ID. A police officer later noted that the ID was “flimsy with a laminated texture and dull coloring.”
Stolen From Homes This Week: A diamond ring, two televisions, a .38-caliber revolver, a bicycle, three laptop computers, a 64-GB SD card, an iPhone, $400 in cash, a driver’s license, a debit card, and a Members Only jacket.
Somebody stole a $4,300 trailer from a carpet company. As always, we blame the carpetbaggers.
Bizarre Threat o’ the Week: “If I ever see you on the streets, I will cut my own penis off and kick your ass just so the haters can’t say a dude kicked your ass.”
A man and a woman sat down at a restaurant and ordered $82.93 worth of food, drinks, and hookah refills, and then they disappeared in a puff of smoke without paying the bill.
Police reminded a trespasser that he was already on criminal trespass notice from a location. The repeat offender simply replied, “I know, man.”
When stopped by police, a skateboarder shouted “Fuck you” and “You can’t fucking stop me.” Customers at a nearby bar stopped to watch the scene and began yelling “Ferguson.”
A man mentioned to a police officer that if he were to be arrested, he would not have to go to work in the morning. When the officer arrested him for his “grossly intoxicated state,” the man said he was merely joking when he asked to go to jail.
A gym teacher found a baggie of weed on the floor as a class was leaving his gym. That’s why they call it high school, man.
TOugh Guy o’ the Week: When a police officer approached a man who had just loudly cussed out two other men on the sidewalk, the man said, “You didn’t see what that guy did! He walked into me!” When the officer told him that was no reason to start a fight, the man replied, “But I was outnumbered and had to appear hard!”
A woman was sitting on her porch on Halloween night when some trick-or-treaters came up asking for candy. She didn’t have any, so she gave the kids ice cream sandwiches instead and then went inside. After realizing that she had left her cell phone out on the porch, she went back outside and found that her phone was missing and the ice cream sandwiches had been discarded beside the house.
A taxi driver flagged down a police officer because a very drunk man was refusing to leave his vehicle. The officer asked the man where he lived, and he said, “The Pantheon.” Greek gods: They’re just like us.
Bouncers kicked a man out of a bar and then contacted police when the man tried to get back in. When an officer approached the man, he stumbled around on the sidewalk, nearly knocked some people over, and then reached into his pocket and threw some coins and dollar bills in the air. The officer was not impressed by the rain-making and arrested the man on a disorderly conduct charge.
According to a police incident report, somebody stole a “Hulla Packer” laptop computer from someone’s house. Either this is a brand we’ve never heard of, or somebody with a really strong accent was trying to say “Hewlett-Packard.”
When an officer told a man he wasn’t allowed to sleep in a parking garage, the man replied, “I sleep here when I want. This ain’t nothing. I out on $250,000 federal distribution charge.”
Jackass o’ the Week: After the staff at a restaurant caught a man trying to steal a cornhole set, he took off running. A police officer found the man trying to take a leak beside a Dumpster, and the man said he was waiting for his mother to come pick him up. As the officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge, he kept calling the officer “Fuck Boy” and saying, “I’m going to have your job, Fuck Boy.”