Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between May 6 and May 11.

Blotter of the Week: A downtown man pulled over for suspected driving under the influence told officers he was “dropping bars.” We were interested in looking into his rap career, until we continued reading and found that apparently that means doing drugs — why does everything mean doing drugs nowadays?

Police responded to a woman who had been sobbing alone in a downtown pizzeria before quickly stealing an employee’s iPhone off the counter. The owner of the phone decided not to press charges because, “Frankly, he’d been there.” 

A detained West Ashley man told officers his name was “Lickma.” Officers report that the name was fake, but conveniently left out how they came to that conclusion. As former 4th graders, I think we all know.

Identity theft protections finally did something right, after one woman’s stolen credit card was declined at 10 different locations. The only purchase that went through: a Red Box rental. We hope the thief picked a good one.

A red minivan bearing a sticker that read, “Speedy Senior Transportation,” reportedly fled the scene after causing a collision in West Ashley. In their defense, stopping after an accident is, in fact, the opposite of speedy. 

A “model student” who has never before been in trouble at their high school was found in possession of a small amount of weed, shocking conservatives everywhere. 

An elderly man that “appeared to be living in a park” told officers that he was, well what do you know, living in a park. Honestly, this guy probably has the right idea. Have you seen the housing market lately?

A man described as being “mysteriously wet” was caught hopping over a West Ashley woman’s fence. According to piecemeal reports, the man had been involved in a hit and run incident earlier in the night, fled the scene and at some point fallen into a creek. Someone get the director for the Hangover movies on the phone, we have an idea.

During a routine traffic stop, officers asked a West Ashley man what he had in his trunk, to which he replied, “some things my mom gave me.” Well, someone’s winning the “coolest mom” award, because apparently she had given him a baggie of hard drugs and a rifle with a fully loaded 30-round magazine. 

Roughly four pages of this week’s reports we’re dedicated to a large, estimated 100-person brawl on King Street with charges relating to public disturbances, assault, weapons violations, drunkenness and more. For once, we’re glad we weren’t invited to the party.