Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Jan. 6 and Jan. 10. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Officers attempted to remove a drunk man from a bus, only to have him yell repeated profanities and vulgar remarks about sexual activity and female genitalia. He then demanded the police take him to jail and threatened to “chop” a passenger who offered assistance. Yeah, officers took him to jail.

Police tried to stop a woman walking on a downtown sidewalk and trying to hide an aluminum can they suspected to be an alcoholic beverage. They were right, they discovered, when she turned and took a gulp of a watermelon White Claw and threw the open can at officers before stopping.

An officer, while trying to break up a party at a downtown apartment, was left awkwardly standing in the doorway and shouting over loud music trying to find the owner. It’s OK, man. We didn’t get invited either.

A K-9 unit reportedly discovered a “crack pie” a suspect tried to ditch while running from police. Either this is the second typo in the same set of reports, or drug users in the Charleston area have a new meaning for the word “baking.” The latter feels less likely, but more fun.

Police were told by witnesses that a “crazy person” was blocking traffic on a downtown street. Upon arrival, officers saw the suspect from a distance holding a plastic baggie. When they got closer, they found the man wasn’t crazy, just really drunk, and the plastic baggie was gone.

A West Ashley man told officers that another man may have assaulted him due to the offender’s “weird relationship” with the victim’s girlfriend. The report doesn’t mention the officers giving him his best guess as to what that relationship could be, but we really think someone ought to tell him.

A man told officers that the last time he “snorted” cocaine was about a month ago. When the officer pointed out the fresh white powder under the man’s nose, he looked down, snorted, then asked the officer, “What powder?” Clever, but not sure if it’s going to work this time.
Twenty-one bundles of roofing shingles were stolen from a residential construction site in West Ashley. Separately, other building materials were stolen from a nearby construction site as well. No reports about a mysterious new building springing up overnight, though.

A typo on a police report changed one charge from “simple assault” to “simply assault.” So, if you’re looking for a new name for your thrash metal band…

A downtown businessman said a man entered his place of work selling Charleston excursions, grabbed a fistful of pamphlets, and threw them on the ground. The suspect told officers he had only gone inside to tell them to stop “lowballing” their prices and stealing customers. What a cutthroat industry.

At least one handgun was stolen from a vehicle parked in a West Ashley residence and another was stolen from a downtown hotel room. A shotgun was also stolen from a James Island truck.