BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A DUI suspect told police, “I’m not going to take your fucking monkey tests.” The problem, of course, is that monkeys could likely outperform drunks on said test.

Items Stolen This Week: Eight bikes and a laptop

Police got an early break in a department store shoplifting case when the suspect was seen on video taking perfume while wearing a work shirt with his company logo on it. The clue turned out to not be necessary; the officer had previously arrested the man for shoplifting in the same store.

A sobriety test went south when the officer noted, after a spectacularly bad attempt at reciting the alphabet, the DUI suspect “paused to start crying.” Later the officer asked how much she had to drink. The woman replied, “Let’s just say I had six mixed drinks and four shots.”

Warned he was parking in the wrong area in his James Island community, a resident left a message for property managers that if “someone touches my fucking truck again I will break their fucking knuckles and shove them down their fucking throat.” Contacted by police, the suspect said he wasn’t threatening anyone, just warning them.

A young man told police his car had been stolen after he parked it downtown while spending the night at a friend’s house. The victim later called police to say that his friend had borrowed the car and he found it in a different spot. Translation: He forgot where he parked his car. Dude, there’s an app for that.

A two-year-old was found wandering the parking lot of a downtown school. His aunt had put him down for a nap at his nearby home, then dozed off herself. As the officer was interviewing the mother, the aunt kept asking, “Is there a problem? Is there a problem?” Unless the child is Stewie, yes, there is a problem.

A local high school notified police when a student passed a note reading, “I want to pull out my knife and stab a bitch!” A search of her bag uncovered a small knife she claimed was for slicing fruit and an unloaded BB gun. There are mean girls, and then there are Mean Girls.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.