Blotter o’ the Week: Police reports presumably written by aliens: “commonly referred to as a ‘blunt,'” “engage in fisticuffs.”

A woman draped a dark cloth over her shopping cart and tried walking out of a grocery store with shrimp, scallops, and crab dip. Unfortunately, a store employee did sea her.

When officers asked a man at a bus stop how much he’d had to drink that day, he stumbled and slurred, “I don’t drink.”

A hotel clerk said he was punched in the face after not being able to secure a room for a guest with a “Muslim-style beard.” Guys. We’ve got to do better than this.

A man got out of his car and punched the driver’s side mirror of a Chevy Suburban in the middle of the street. We strongly encourage keeping road rage within your vehicle.

A woman suspects it was her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend who threw a brick through her backdoor window.

Two people successfully walked out of a designer clothing store on King Street with over $4,000 worth of merchandise. A slow clap for these two comrades, please.

Someone stole a license plate from the car of a nurse who was working an overnight shift. Few things engender karma as bad as what that person will probably get.

Things purchased with counterfeit $100 bills: four cans of soda and two cigarillos.

A man yelled, “Fuck the police” and, “The police can suck my dick,” after spitting at multiple officers who were trying to arrest him for being drunk behind an abandoned house.

A man suspected of firing three shots into a King Street business near 5:30 a.m., impaling a Coke cooler, asked a witness over the phone, “What does it matter? They only have to clean up a little glass.”

A homeless man has been using the cars at a West Ashley dealership as makeshift motels for several weeks, proving that necessity really is the mother of all invention.

Officers busted a couple for weed after they were found parked in plain view, in the middle of the night, at a nearby mall.

An employee punched and broke the front window of his office. His boss, not surprisingly, was “adamant” about pressing charges and filing a report.

Someone set fire to the plastic inside a pay box in a downtown parking lot and walked away with the cash inside.