Blotter o the Week: A woman took her grandchildren to watch the vice presidential debate at a restaurant, had a little too much to drink, and then tried to drive home drunk. Must have been one of those debate drinking games where you take a shot every time someone tells a lie.

Someone stole a wallet from a cup holder in a movie theater. The popcorn-popping pilferer strikes again!

A man caught in possession of crystal meth told police, “I’m going through a divorce … I just smoke it.”

Police found a man lying on the sidewalk against a crosswalk sign. When asked how much he had to drink that night, he gave a thumbs up and left it at that.

Police Report Poetry o’ the Week: “The sidewalk was crowded with heavy foot.”

Mystery o’ the Week: Parking enforcement officers found a pair of pants, shoes, a shirt, a hat, and a cell phone on the ground beside a dumpster and what looked like blood. The cops searched the clothing for any form of ID, but all they found was a 7-gram baggie of weed.

A thief broke into a car through the windshield, pried at the stereo, and gave up. All he managed to steal was an iPod, a small flashlight, and a first aid kit.

A man tried to shoplift four dresses, priced at $130 apiece, by stuffing them under his shirt and walking out of a store. What is this, amateur hour?

While on ecstasy (by his own admission), a man shoplifted a flannel sheet set and fled from mall security officers announcing, “I have a knife.”

Jeanius o’ the Week: A man who had been banned from a clothing store for shoplifting returned to the store with a big ol’ trash bag in his hand. He was caught on camera trespassing.

When police spotted a man speaking with a known crack dealer on the sidewalk, the man tried to act all nonchalant, walking away while bouncing a red ball. He didn’t bounce quick enough, and police busted him with the $20 narcotics purchase still in the palm of his hand.

Police caught a man panhandling at exactly the same location where he had been caught panhandling six other times this year. The man told police, “I know I am wrong, but can you just write me a ticket this time instead of taking me?”

Someone stole a boat anchor from the bed of a pickup truck.

In a drug bust at a house, police confiscated a dry erase board with ledger recordings on it. What, drug dealers don’t use Excel?

The Things They Shoplifted: Five shirts, a pair of shorts, three pairs of shoes, a $17 watch, a 20-oz. soda, a bag of sunflower seeds, and a pickle.

After getting off work at a downtown bar, a DJ arrived at his car and found a stranger sleeping on the hood. When police arrived, they woke up the negligent napper, who stood up, put on a pair of sunglasses (at about 1 a.m.), and handed police a hotel keycard in lieu of identification. Tourists.

A restaurant owner’s brother came into the restaurant with a girlfriend and consumed $78.40 worth of food and drinks, then left without paying. The owner called his brother and offered him a chance to come back and pay, but the brother replied, “Fuck off. I am family. I am not coming back.”

Someone stole a $500 pastry knife set from the trunk of a car. That kind of thing will make you a little dough at the pawn shop.

Insane Threat o’ the Week: “I’ll cut your fucking hands off with your saw!”

A woman suspects that her ex-boyfriend stole all the Halloween decorations off her porch and slashed three of the tires on her car. This guy is all tricks, no treats.