Fraggle Threat O’ The Week: “Red bitch, I’m going to kick your ass.”

Preparing to administer a road sobriety test, an officer asked the suspect if she had any disabilities. “No,” she responded. “But I have to go pee.”

Drunk O’ The Week: “Fuck you. I’m pissed. I’m not drunk.” But pissed and drunk look so similar.

Stolen Items O’ the Week: Three GPS units, two bikes, and an iPod.

Caught drinking in public, a man told the officer, “You aren’t from this neighborhood, but it’s OK to do that here.” Nope. Not even in Charlie Sheen’s cul-de-sac.

A man called police after his elderly mother, a hoarder, got upset that he cleaned her house while she was in the hospital recovering from heart issues.

Theft O’ the Week: A downtown restaurateur reported that three unknown men stole a Parmesan cheese shaker. The victim followed the men outside and confronted them. They allegedly told him, “There are three of us and one of you. Do you really want to do this?” The three suspects were later found, but the shaker is still missing. And our pizza is bland. Thanks.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.