Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between March 24 and March 29. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Police removed a heavily inebriated woman from a downtown bar despite her repeated threats to “ice them” and demands for everyone to “chill out.” OK, Elsa, we hear you. Let’s get you back to the set of Frozen 3.

Police witnessed what they described as a drug deal when a West Ashley woman dropped a small pile of cash on the hood of a car and said, “Here’s $7.” Either drugs have gotten way cheaper, or police detained a woman for buying a rock.

A downtown woman reported her truck stolen, described as having a barbed-wire license plate frame and brand-new stainless steel dual exhaust. If your sweet truck is supposed to tell people, “Don’t mess with me,” this one didn’t work.

A would-be catalytic converter theft was reported as vandalism when a would-be catalytic converter thief only partially cut the part free from the underside of a West Ashley man’s truck. Better luck next time.

A man suspected of driving under the influence stopped his own field sobriety test short when he felt he adequately proved his sobriety by counting to nine. We will let you guess whether that worked.

Security camera footage showed a man having entered and stolen several items from a downtown hotel’s kitchen, including a $1 beer, a $30 butcher knife and a $2,000 computer tablet. Something’s up here: You can’t get $1 beer downtown anymore.

Police stopped a man suspected of being high on narcotics, but dropped the questioning when she said she had just finished some “addaball.” What she probably meant was Adderall, guys, which is definitely a narcotic. How did this happen?

A James Island woman reported hearing a strange voice outside her home yell, “I’m going to rip your teeth out.” Upon investigation, it appeared that he was talking to another stranger as they were running circles around a vehicle in the street in what we can only assume is some fun game for aggrieved, denture-wearers.

A downtown man reported his moped stolen and gave the following description: scratches on both sides, a disconnected cupholder, a right handle secured with zip ties and chipped metal handlebars. With that kind of description, we are surprised it was operable enough to be stolen at all.

A West Ashley convenience store was reportedly broken into at night after employees arrived the following morning to find the front window shattered and nearly $1,500 in various brand cigarette cartons missing. At least that money isn’t going to Big Tobacco.