BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Two high school students got into a food fight that escalated into a fist fight. So goes the arms race.

After taking off his shirt outside a bar and trying to pick a fight, a man described by police as “incredibly and grossly intoxicated” called one of the police officers who arrived at the scene “the biggest piece of shit I’ve seen.” He now finds himself in the deepest shit he’s seen.

Hit and Run o’ the Week: A man on a moped ran into the back of a cargo van and then sped off.

A landlord discovered that one of her former tenants had taken the stove with her when she moved out of an apartment. A little overzealous with the packing, this one.

A minor was discovered drinking a six-pack of beer in the bed of a pickup truck parked behind a church.

A young man stiffed a taxi driver on her fare but left his bookbag in the backseat with his name written all over his school work.

DUI Understatement o’ the Week: After failing three times to walk a straight line during a DUI test, a man admitted, “I’m a little bit intoxicated.”

Items stolen by two men who had broken into several cars: a $200 MP3 player, two $100 digital cameras, and a 99-cent toothbrush.

On 4/20, three people were arrested for smoking pot in visible places in broad daylight. One was in a high school classroom, one was in a car, and a third was on the steps behind a downtown restaurant.

When police looked in the open front door of a house where people were allegedly selling drugs, they saw a man inside whose name they knew from previous arrests. When they asked him for his name, he lied and said, “My name is Al, and that’s all I’ve got to tell you.” When asked for his real identity, he said, “It’s an illegal procedure! I don’t have to give you my name. I know my rights.”

A woman left a laptop computer and two designer purses in her car, and — lo and behold — someone smashed a window and stole them.

Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.