Blotter o’ the Week: A woman screamed “I’m gonna murder all of you” while swinging around a metal tennis racket. We hear her serve is killer.

A man who stole a leaf blower tried to sell the item back to its owner, claiming he rescued it from the real thief and demanding a $20 reward. The owner paid the guy just to get him to go away and then called the cops.

A man was arrested for carrying $2,740 worth of marijuana but only $10 worth of cocaine. He plays favorites.

A driver had a can of beer between his legs when he was pulled over by an officer. When the officer moved to the other side of the car, the man moved the beer can to the visible floor between his feet. A master of illusion, this one.

A “shopper” paid for a frozen pizza, but not for the six energy drinks in his pockets. He had an exciting night planned.

A man was charged with disorderly conduct for shouting “fuck you” near children. He said he was shouting at his ex-girlfriend. He had almost $4,000 in his pocket when he was arrested.

STOLEN ITEMS O’ THE WEEK: A Hertz rental car, six fishing rods, and a Macbook Pro with a “Beats By Dre” sticker stuck to it.

REPORT O’ THE WEEK: “On the back exterior of the home, multiple drawings of penises were sprayed on the siding, brick, and windows, including writings of ‘Fuck the police, fuck the popo, suck a dick hoe and shit face.'”

A local business accepted a package that wasn’t addressed to a specific employee. Inside was a gun in a holster with ammunition, a cell phone and cell phone charger, sunglasses, and two plastic bowls. The company unknowingly hired Jason Bourne.

Police recovered a brown leather bi-fold wallet with “Bad Motherfucker” stitched onto it. Jules Winnfield is breathing easy tonight.

WEAPON O’ THE WEEK: A 4-foot wooden board.

Charleston police were themselves the victims of vandalism this week when someone snapped off the radio antennas on eight parked patrol cars. Only five were discovered nearby and reattached — the rest will have to do without NPR for now.

POETRY O’ THE WEEK: “I’ve had a few shots of 130 proof moonshine; I fell down on my butt.”

As he was paying for a box of doughnuts, a man tried to claim the bottles of soda that he just grabbed from a drink cooler were actually ones he brought from home. He just wanted to eat a healthy breakfast.

Someone stole $3,800 of camera equipment from a man’s downtown apartment. Looks like he’ll have to take up a new hobby.

A woman stole five containers of lump crab meat and one package of cooked crab meat. That’s not kosher.