Blotter o’ the Week: Bringing a new meaning to the term “trashed,” police found a man who had fallen asleep standing up with his head in a garbage can. The man was arrested for being wasted.

An officer watched a man open a beer and drink it on the front steps of a church. The man said he just wanted a quick drink before going inside. Maybe he should find a church that serves wine.

A man ran out of his hotel to find his car being towed due to a parking violation. Wasting no time, he jumped onto the back of the tow truck and started his vehicle. The man was able to successfully drive his car off the truck and make a getaway, leaving police with nothing but his license plate number, name, and home address.

A woman called the police when an intoxicated stranger tried to enter her apartment. Officers found a man banging on the woman’s front door after he had jammed his keys in the lock. The man said he was unaware of where he was or whose apartment he was attempting to enter. He told officers he just wanted to go to sleep.

Three women are wanted for shoplifting after fleeing a department store with 16 handbags valued at more than $4,000. Oddly enough, their offense isn’t listed as purse-snatching.

Police responded to reports of a woman in a leopard-print dress causing a disturbance at a sandwich shop. When officers located the woman, she was dancing alone in a nearby parking garage. She then walked away and began dancing in the middle of a busy downtown intersection. As police escorted the woman home, the officer noticed her dress was riding up and she was exposed. When the officer asked the woman to fix her outfit, she undressed almost completely.

Police found a man sitting on a park bench enjoying a cold beer. The officer then noticed several other empty cans in the bushes nearby. When questioned, the man told the officer, “I just wanted to have a few beers and watch the girls.”

Bluff O’ The Month: An officer approached a man who was hanging out in an area popular with “drug users and drunkards,” according to an incident report. The report notes that the man was standing directly underneath a “No Loitering” sign. Throughout his conversation with the officer, the man kept patting his right pocket as if something was inside. When asked if he had anything illegal in his possession, the man said he did not and suggested the officer search him. Upon doing so, the officer uncovered a glass pipe. The man admitted, “Damn, I didn’t think you’d find that.”

A woman called police after finding that someone had ripped the cable TV connection from the side of her home. She told officers that she had also recently received gifts placed on her front step and found the word “voodoo” written in purple marker on the fence facing her property. The woman suspects her ex-boyfriend left the message because he would often try to scare her, saying that spirits lived in her home.

Police were called to a downtown restaurant in response to a woman causing a disturbance. Once the officer made contact with the woman, she balled her hand into a fist, said she was a marine, and threatened to rip the officer’s throat out. As more officers arrived, the woman declared, “You’re going to hell.” She was arrested after threatening to bite the officers.

Police found a man walking the street with an open can of beer around midnight. As they approached the man, he tossed his drink into a nearby yard. When asked if he had any illegal substances in his possession, the man said, “Yeah, I got a little bit in my boxers.” Upon searching him, police discovered a small bag of marijuana. Inside that bag, officers also found a small pouch containing a white powdery substance. The man said, “That’s just a little bit of Molly.”

An officer noticed a man in a downtown parking garage unzip his pants and begin to urinate. The man told police he has a medical condition that requires him to urinate often. This is also known as the involuntary pee plea.

Police stopped a man walking along the street with an open beverage wrapped in a brown paper bag. The man told the officer it was his friend’s beer. The officer noted in the incident report that the man was walking alone and no one else was in sight.

Scam O’ The Month: One woman is wanted for doubling down on her weekly paychecks. According to an incident report, the woman used a phone app to deposit checks immediately before cashing them at a local liquor store. The app in question only requires a photo of the check to initiate a deposit. The store’s owners were notified of the fraud by their bank and are still on the lookout for the woman.

Officers were flagged down regarding an intoxicated woman at a social event. Hotel staff carried the unconscious woman outside and placed her on the sidewalk for a medical evaluation. Inside the woman’s purse, officers found several open mini bottles of alcohol.