BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: There’s no accounting for what people will do on a bender. One man says that when his neighbor gets drunk, she throws her belongings over the fence into his yard and then immediately calls his phone to demand them back, threatening to tear down the fence in the process.

A woman called police to say that her ex-boyfriend had kicked her door in. When police arrived, she said she didn’t have time for “all of this police stuff” and just wanted someone to fix her door.

Text Message Threat O’ The Week: From a disgruntled pizzeria employee who claimed she knew where the recipient lived and worked: “Google eye bitch!!”

While off his meds and drinking heavily, a man picked up a television and tried to throw it at a cop. He got tased.

The Things They Shoplifted: Four tape measurers, deli-sliced ham, pork chops, and a $98 hoodie.

A woman who smelled heavily of booze collapsed in front of an officer and hit her head on the pavement. When EMS arrived, she went berserk and punched one of the medics in the face. She was charged with assault.

After having a few drinks at a strip club, a man decided to drive 90 mph in a 40 mph zone. When police pulled him over and asked for his driver’s license, he said he did not have one “per sé.”

A man tried to break into an apartment using a butter knife. He was arrested for trespassing.

A rather large woman stole two jackets from a store by hiding them in her skirt.

After watching a woman shoplift some clothes by stuffing them into a bag from another store, a loss prevention officer confronted the woman. She didn’t put up a fight at first, but when the officer took out his handcuffs, she punched him in the crotch and started yelling that she was being raped.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.