Blotter o’ the week: Two students studying at a downtown Starbucks reported a man in the coffee shop who was reading a book and masturbating with his penis fully exposed.

Shortly after 1 a.m., several guests at a downtown hotel were jolted awake by “loud banging and cries for help.” The sounds came from a disturbance in one of the rooms, where a woman clawed her boyfriend’s face and body because she was upset that he was moving to Virginia.

An officer described the beverage inside of a soda bottle held by a man in Wragg Square Park as “extremely foamy.”

A man sitting next to an ongoing citation at Marion Square wanted no part of what was happening, telling an officer that he was solely there to feed the squirrels.

A driver swerved onto the passenger side of a man’s vehicle while attempting to switch lanes. Stopped at a red light, the man lowered his window and said, “You just hit my car.” The driver replied, “We don’t know who hit who,” and sped off.

It’s possible that a man dislocated his elbow while trying to sucker punch the door man at a King Street bar after he was kicked out.

A couple’s night out on King Street was cut short when their eight-year old son approached the front desk of a hotel wondering where his parents were.

A woman was voluntarily transported to a hospital after a series of events over the course of a day that included failing to pick up her daughter from school, sounding sluggish on the phone with her ex-husband, and a welfare check from a police officer earlier in the day.

This week in Victoria’s Secret thefts: Two women stole 12 T-shirts, six high-waisted joggers, eight skinny joggers, six leggings, and three jackets by putting them in a store bag and walking out. Total value: $1,643.25. Also, a woman carried a Spectrum bag into the store and stole $828 worth of body spray from a display.

A man gave a phone scammer $3,600 in Google Play gift card codes, as well as remote access to his computer, after the unknown caller claimed he needed to fix his device.

Apparently, “jigga” can also mean “ecstasy.”

A man pulled down the topper resting on the top pedestal of a decorative fountain in a downtown hotel, causing $3,000 in damage.