Blotter o’ the Week: Police received a report of two men “armed with large butcher knives chasing each other in the street and neighbors’ yards trying to cut each other.”

A police officer stopped a man who was stumbling into storefront windows after closing time and hailed a cab for the man to ride back to his hotel. When the officer saw the man on the sidewalk again five minutes later and asked what had happened to the cab, the man replied, “That was not me. I was not in a cab.” The officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge.

After allegedly stealing $10 worth of roofing materials from a roofing company, a man made a daring escape via the roof of the business, eventually jumping down into the courtyard of a neighboring restaurant and leading police on a chase through the restaurant while the morning crew was setting up for lunch.

An 81-year-old man took out his hearing aids before getting in the shower one night. When he finished the shower and returned to his living room, he realized that someone had broken into his house and stolen his television.

Holy War o’ the Week: The employees at a Mexican restaurant stuck around after work one night to have some drinks. Sometime between 4:30 and 6:30 a.m., two of the men got in a conversation about religion that “became heated quickly,” according to an incident report, and one of the men punched another man in the face without warning.

An ex-employee of a dermatologist’s office is accused of embezzling $7,466.05 from her employer. Sounds like she really had some skin in the game.

A woman saw a man masturbating on a sidewalk. The man claimed he was only peeing. Police arrested him on charges of public disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.

A man left his bicycle leaning against a wall in an alley in downtown Charleston at night and was somehow surprised to find that someone had stolen it.

Scam o’ the Week: After finding an apartment for rent on Craigslist, a man sent an $800 deposit to the “landlord” without ever setting foot in the apartment. Later that day, he also sent the stranger a second $800 for the first month’s rent and $500 for an unspecified reason. When he went to the actual apartment and spoke with an employee of the leasing agency, he found out the so-called “landlord” didn’t work for the company.

When a police officer approached a man who was stumbling down the side of the road and asked if he had been drinking, the man said, “Fuck yeah I have. I am absolutely plastered; that ain’t no crime.” Turns out it actually is a crime. The officer arrested the man on a public intoxication charge.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A television, a tablet computer, a laptop, a red bicycle, $762 in cash, four wallets, seven credit or debit cards, two driver’s licenses, three sets of keys, a Playstation 4, a pair of diamond earrings, and $2,500 worth of copper piping.

A man stole a health savings account card from a woman’s purse while she was at a nightclub and then tried to use it to pay for drinks at the same club later in the night.

Two building painters from North Carolina drove a company vehicle to Charleston and then left it in a parking lot with the doors unlocked and the key in the cupholder. Somebody stole the truck.

A clergyman caught a vagrant rummaging through an administrator’s purse in a church office. The administrator originally thought nothing had been stolen but later realized that a $400 pair of sunglasses was missing from her purse.

A woman was drinking at a pub with some friends when she realized her wallet was missing. She asked a bartender if he had seen it, and the bartender replied, “No, but you are like the fifth person tonight to have something stolen.”

Somebody discovered 25 stolen iPads along the fence line outside of a school. Police investigated and discovered that someone had stolen all of the iPads from a classroom.

Weirdly Blasphemous Behavior o’ the Week: Police dispatch received a call saying that a man had climbed the scaffolding on the exterior of a church building and was “riding the building like a horse.” Two officers climbed the building so they could bring the man down to the sidewalk and ticket him for disorderly conduct. They noted that the man smelled like alcohol.

When asked why he was peeing on church property, a man told a police officer, “I had to go, and there was somebody in the gas station bathroom.”