Theological crutch o’ the week: When police arrested a man for disorderly conduct and an open-container violation, he cried out, “The devil got a hold of me!”

Somebody spray-painted the word “condemned” on the doors of a Catholic school. With Martin Luther long dead and buried, the 96th Thesis certainly lacks the eloquence of its predecessors.

While housesitting, a woman allegedly stole a $100 debit gift card from the homeowner’s mail and used it at a grocery store, a lingerie store, a fast-food taco joint, a fragrance shop, and a piercing parlor. At least she spent it on the essentials.

Somebody stole two Nook tablets from a store. The store owners are hoping the courts throw the e-book at the thief.

Lemon o’ the Week: Shortly after a man purchased a house, someone broke four windows, pried open the rear door, used a sledgehammer to knock holes in the walls of every room, and tipped over a portable toilet in the yard.

Bold Move o’ the Week: An employee is accused of stealing $9,717 worth of merchandise from a clothing store over the course of six months and then wearing some of the clothes to work.

An officer stopped a man who was zig-zag walking down the middle of a street and asked him how much he had been drinking. The man replied, “My roommate … my roommate.” The officer noticed the man had blood on his elbows and asked why he was bleeding, to which the man replied, “I’m not.”

Inscrutable Threat o’ the Week: “I will defend life with life.”

At 2:03 a.m., police caught a man with his pants unzipped outside a pizzeria, and the man confessed that he was “about to pee.” Bar-hopping tip: 2 a.m. closing time is also the last call for the bar bathroom. Plan accordingly.

Weapon o’ the Week: A book.

After police arrested him for drunkenness and placed him in the back of a patrol car, a man alternated between cursing and saying, “Everything’s OK, know what I’m saying?”

Somebody stole $500 worth of copper pipes from the air conditioning units at a vacant school building. This crook is too cool for school cooling.

Somebody managed to steal a 32-inch television and remote control during a birthday party at a downtown house. Major buzzkill.

A tenant of an apartment says that when he asked his landlord to fix a power outage problem, the landlord grabbed him by the shirt and stuffed a letter down the front of it. The letter allegedly said that he shouldn’t call the landlord for maintenance problems anymore and that if he didn’t like it, he should move.

A scammer bilked a sporting goods store out of about $4,000 by purchasing items from the store online, removing the tags, attaching them to cheaper off-brand sporting goods, and fraudulently returning them at the store.

When asked if he had marijuana in his vehicle, a driver replied, “No, man, you guys always say that about me.” A drug-sniffing dog pointed police to the bushes beside the passenger-side door, where they found three grams of weed and 16 grams of crack cocaine.

A man says his ex-girlfriend placed his clothes in a bathtub and poured bleach all over them. Hell hath no fury like a wardrobe stained.

Two young palmetto rose sellers got in a fight over who was allowed to sell roses on a particular street corner, and one of them ended up throwing a steak knife at the other’s back.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A cooler full of ice, three GPS units, $5 in loose change, two iPods, a wallet, a pair of aviator sunglasses, a vehicle tag, and a car radio.

When asked how much he had been drinking, a man replied, “I can’t put a number on it.” When asked why he couldn’t put a number on it, he said, “Ugh, because I’m in college.”