Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Dec. 28 and Jan. 5. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: One man attempted to hide as police approached him. But the officers still heard the man utter the guiltiest two words in the English language: “Oh, shit.” The report continued for an additional three pages.

Police found a man and a woman slipping in and out of consciousness in the restroom of a downtown pub. The man reportedly told officers they were trying to get an Uber home. Have we been looking in the wrong places for our ride-hailing services all along?

Two firearms and 25 rounds of ammunition were stolen from a truck while its James Island owner was grilling steaks in the backyard. Another firearm was stolen from a separate truck in West Ashley.

Officers cited a man for an open container after finding him with a can of Twisted Tea. That reminds us: Go search YouTube for, “Twisted Tea video.”

One officer asked the driver of a downtown vehicle he pulled over if there was any illegal contraband in the car. The driver said, “No.” In a shocking twist, officers did, in fact, find illegal contraband.

Police received complaints about a man exposing his genitals and urinating on a downtown sidewalk twice and then laying down on it and refusing to leave. He reportedly told officers “he wouldn’t make it to the bathroom in time.”

A downtown woman found a note on her car that read, “Hi! I watched someone in a silver Audi pull into your driveway and key your car … I’m sorry.” We’re no detectives, but don’t rule out that it might’ve been a note left by someone who keyed your car.

A downtown man told officers that $5,000 had been stolen from his white Mercedes after parking it with the valet at a King Street hotel. He also told officers not to dust the car for fingerprints, as he didn’t want the dust on the leather. Come on, man; it’s an ’08.

The small-time catalytic converter thefts of 2020 must have been practice for the grand heist. Security footage caught three men taking 34 catalytic converters from multiple vehicles parked in a West Ashley dealership lot. If only they had practiced dodging the cameras.

Officers received reports that a Daniel Island man’s car had been stolen. The thieves had to have worked hard for this one, because the owner told police that the car is rarely moved and requires a jump start whenever it’s driven.