Blotter o’ the week: After walking out to his car and discovering he’d been the victim of a hit and run, a man found a note on his windshield saying that a woman in a Kia Sorento had backed into his vehicle and staggered around when she got out of the car. The note concluded with the license plate number of the alleged offender and was signed, “Night Owl.”

While patrolling a downtown sidewalk around 1 a.m., a cop saw a man stumbling down the street barefoot and nearly falling into the roadway. When the officer asked the man if he lived in the area, the man said he was “staying with my friend on King,” and as he swung his arm to point toward King Street, he nearly fell over. Then he tried to smoke an unlit cigarette. The officer arrested him on a charge of public intoxication.

Police arrested a man after they found two grams of weed in his car trunk and an unlabeled mason jar of orange moonshine in his golf bag.

The owner of a stripper service says that one of her employees collected $600 at a bachelor party and kept all the money to herself.

Stolen From Homes This Week: Two push lawn mowers, a yard canopy, $1,400 in cash, (possibly) a dog, and a two-ton air conditioning unit.

Witnesses saw a man punch out a church window with his bare knuckles. When police caught up with the man and saw blood dripping from his hand, the man said he had hurt himself by “scraping up against something.”

When a cop pulled over a truck at around 3 a.m. and smelled weed smoke coming from the back seat, a passenger fessed up, handed a half-smoked joint to the officer, and said, “I like to have a smoke on my way to work.”

Weapon o’ the Week: A cup of coffee.

Police found a brand-new Mustang crashed into some trees with a crushed front end. They couldn’t find the driver anywhere near the car, but there was some blood on the dashboard. The car’s owner was listed as living in Florida.

While pulled over for a DUI check, a woman asked a police officer if she could call a cab to pick her up. The officer instead conducted a field sobriety test and arrested her on a DUI charge.

Scam o’ the Week: An 87-year-old woman received a call from someone who claimed to be her grandson and said he had been arrested in Cancún, Mexico. The man said he needed her to send him some money. Over the course of three days, the stranger convinced her to send $6,548 via wire transfer. She finally became suspicious and called the police after receiving a call from a man claiming to be a representative of the American Embassy who would be handling the issue with her grandson.

When police confronted a man who had been seen kicking another man’s motorcycle, he said, “I’m a drunk and I’m an idiot.” Later, he elaborated, “Yeah, I thought it was my brother’s, and he and I are having a dispute.”

Stolen Bike o’ the Week: A man described his stolen bicycle as an orange “General Lee” BMX bike with the following stickers attached to it: several American flags, “Hell no,” Lionel Richie, and Captain America.

Witnesses say that a man who had been kicked out of a house party for “odd behavior” returned a few minutes later with a carton of eggs and threw them at the house. Sounds like another crazed Belieber.

Responding to an open 911 line at a house, an officer stood outside the door and heard two men yelling “I could beat your ass” back and forth at each other. Later, while being questioned, one of the men asked the cop, “Are you a lesbian? Do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend?” When the officer said, “No,” the man replied, “Good, now we can talk. I have had plenty of cops. Hot cops. You’re a hot cop.” After the man walked away to his home and returned with a snarling unleashed dog, the officer arrested him on a charge of public intoxication.

After a parking management company booted three mopeds in a parking lot, witnesses say some men pulled up and loaded all of the mopeds into a black truck, then drove off. The booted-bro-bike bilkers baffled bystanders.

While walking backward to get a better angle for a picture, a woman fell down a 4-by-6-foot hole in a sidewalk and cut her leg so badly that she needed stitches.

Passive-Aggressive Crime o’ the Week: A man was storing a trailer in his front yard when he received a note from a neighbor saying that it was “disrespectful to the neighbors” to leave the trailer there. Two days later, he discovered his trailer was missing and then found a sign posted near the front of the neighborhood indicating a “free utility trailer” at his address. Something tells us the next HOA meeting is gonna be a little tense.