BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A robber stole a box of icicles and two larger ornaments from a downtown store. Tonight on Fox News: The War on Christmas Trimmings.

Items Stolen This Week: Eight bikes, a GPS unit, an iPod, and a laptop

A concerned citizen alerted police to a possible abduction at a downtown grocery. Officers quickly tracked down the car involved, but the young man who was supposedly kidnapped attempted to flee the scene. His friends explained to officers that they were just having a difficult time getting their drunk buddy home. The “victim” was charged with disorderly conduct.

Police are investigating a string of coffee shop masturbation incidents involving a suspicious man in bike shorts pleasuring himself — a man we will refer to as the Starbucks Strangler.

Threat O’ The Week: “I know you didn’t just hit me with your car. My momma is going to get all our family and our brothers and beat you up.”

You know you’ve made it big in Charleston’s prostitution circles when police reports reference your “notorious alias.”

Officers were attempting to assist a young woman found sitting by a street lamp late at night. She said she had friends who lived nearby, but became upset when officers offered to escort her, yelling “I’m fucking drunk, get over it!” She was then escorted to the county jail and charged with public drunkenness.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.