Blotter o’ the Week: A woman walked into a motorcycle shop, tried on several pieces of clothing in a dressing room, and tried to walk out of the store wearing the clothes. When a cop asked the woman what she was doing, she said that she was “headed to roll call” and that she “needed a change of clothes.” Hard to imagine what kind of roll call requires leather vests and tassels.

Somebody broke into a car and rifled through a purse, a laptop bag, and the glove compartment. Nothing was stolen, but the window smasher did leave behind a Zune MP3 player in the backseat. Remember Zunes? Yeah, apparently they’re being thrown through windows like bricks now.

Somebody called police because one of her housekeepers told her that someone had etched a person’s name on a table in a luxury apartment clubhouse’s computer room. Mean streets of Daniel Island, y’all.

Someone broke into a house, took a few beers out of the fridge, threw a martini glass on the ground, and left five “knife-like” marks on a wall and three “knife-like” marks in a TV screen, according to a complaint.

Police asked to see a drunk man’s ID, and the man started flipping through his wallet, carefully examining every card while reassuring the officer over and over again, “It’s OK, it’s OK.” After several minutes of this, the officer spotted the man’s driver’s license in the wallet’s clear plastic sleeve and arrested the man on a charge of public intoxication.

Whimsical Typos o’ the Week: A police report describes an officer chasing a drunk driver who ran “from Calhoun Street heading east toward Gadgets Street then proceeded south on Gadgets toward Beneath Street then turned east on Beneath Street.” Don’t know about you, but we’re having a really hard time finding Gadgets and Beneath streets on a map.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A safe containing $250 in cash, an assault rifle, some shoes, numerous pieces of clothing, an iPod, a tablet computer, two XBox 360s with seven games, a 32-inch flat-screen TV, a 42-inch flat-screen TV, and 20 frozen pork chops.

A catering truck from Columbia knocked over a light pole and kept on driving. Witnesses were able to spot the license plate number, along with a bumper sticker that said, “How’s My Driving?”

Two men were having trouble opening the automatic sliding door on a taxi van, so they started trying to force it open. This prompted the taxi driver to get out, punch one of the men in the face, and then swing at the other passenger and attempt to karate kick him. “They were breaking my door!” he explained when a police officer arrived on the scene. Nobody pressed charges, but the cabbie received a citation for disorderly conduct.

A woman told police that she let a “military friend” from Florida stay in her apartment for a couple of weeks. After getting in a fight with her guest, the resident left the apartment for an evening. Upon returning in the morning, she found that her guest was gone, along with several articles of clothing and a laptop computer.

Weed Stash o’ the Week: Inside an eyeglasses case.

An officer stopped to talk with a woman who had fallen down drunk on the sidewalk. After the woman attempted to get up and walk away a few times, the officer asked to see her ID. She fumbled with the zipper on her purse for a while before saying, “I can’t do it. You open it.” She was given a ticket for public intoxication.

During a DUI stop, an officer asked a driver if he had been drinking that night, to which he replied, “No, not really,” then revised his answer to say that he had a few drinks but was not intoxicated. But then he blew a .12 on a breathalyzer test, so both of those stories went out the window.

A man walked into a Chinese restaurant looking for work, and the manager said he’d give the man a trial run making deliveries. At the end of the one-night trial run, the man kept the $432.08 he had collected, failed to deliver to his last two customers, and never returned to the restaurant. That’s pretty low, mayne.

Confession o’ the Week: A cop pulled a car over because he could smell marijuana coming from the window as it passed. Upon questioning, the man inside said, “I’m a weed smoker, man.”

When a police officer asked to see the ID of a girl who was drinking at a bar, she replied, “Fuck no,” and attempted to walk away. Turns out she was 20 and feelin’ saucy. She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and illegal possession of beer.

Evidence that We Don’t Pay Cops Enough, Vol. 329: An officer found a man passed out behind the wheel of his truck. When the cop woke him, the man said that he had no idea how he had gotten there and that he had to pee. The driver then got out of the vehicle and started peeing on the road. The cop waited for the man to finish and then arrested him on charges of public intoxication and indecent exposure. In a report, the officer notes that the man “became agitated again as he was determined not to let go of his penis.”