Blotter o’ the Week: After skipping out on a bar tab, a man ran down the street to another restaurant and locked himself in the bathroom there. Police got a key from management and entered the restroom, where they found the man trying to hide in a cabinet. “The offender was too large for the cabinet and had one arm stuck out through the towel dispenser and a leg sticking out the door,” the officer wrote.

A man was keeping two big ol’ marijuana buds in a bottle of nutrition supplements. Those are what you call Flintstoned vitamins.

When police pulled over a man with bloodshot eyes for erratic driving, the man begged the officer to let him keep driving home because he was “so close.” So close, and yet so DUI.

Open Containers o’ the Week: A 12-oz. can of beer on a car floorboard, a half-empty (half-full?) bottle of vodka in a man’s hand, a 16-oz. can of beer under a highway overpass, and a 24-oz. can of fruity malt liquor in a minor’s right hand.

A woman was out on her apartment’s balcony one night when she heard a loud bang come from the balcony above hers. About 20 minutes later, blood started dripping onto her patio. Police arrived and found a woman passed out with a broken nose who said she had drunk too much wine and fallen out of her chair.

A bouncer at a strip club saw a man back a brand-new Ferrari into a Toyota Corolla, crunch the bumper, and drive away.

A man took a taxi ride and walked away without paying his fare. The driver reported the incident to police, and an officer tracked the man down at his house, where he told the officer, “Come on, man, all that for $7?”

A man was seen stuffing three T-bone steaks under his shirt at a grocery store.

Pee Crime o’ the Week: A man entered a convenience store late at night, walked over to the refrigerated drink aisle, unzipped his trousers, and peed on the floor and bottom shelf. Then he walked back outside and talked to some people who were standing out front. As he was being arrested for public urination, the man said, “I messed up, and I shouldn’t have done that. I thought I was outside.”

A month-and-a-half after realizing that someone had stolen her bicycle from her house, a woman found the bike locked to a city bike corral. Small town.

Police stopped a man who had been seen pushing a shopping cart full of merchandise out of a store and placing it in a trailer attached to his car. He said he was working for a company that tests store security, but the officer didn’t buy that story and arrested him on a shoplifting charge. The cop also found some crack cocaine in the cup holder of the man’s vehicle.

An employee at a shoe store caught a man trying to steal a $125 pair of shoes by hiding them in his coat sleeves. When the employee confronted him, the man took off running, dropping the shoes in the process. Guess he didn’t have any other tricks up his sleeves.

Police found some marijuana stashed in a box of headache powder.

A woman called police to report that a taxi driver had stolen her phone. After getting a ride home from a bar, she realized she had left her phone in the cab and tried calling her own phone. The driver picked up and told her he’d return it for $40. She agreed to the amount, and the driver came back to meet her, but when she revealed that she only had $5 cash on hand, the driver reportedly said, “That is all the money you have?” and drove off with the phone.

A man called police dispatch to report that he was going to “F someone up.” When an officer met the man on the sidewalk, he threatened to “F up” the officer. The cop arrested him on a public intoxication charge.

Police found a very drunk man sleeping in a public restroom with a bottle of vodka in his jacket’s inner breast pocket. Hey, at least he wasn’t urinating in public.

A delivery man left his car engine running with the windows down as he walked inside a restaurant for 15 minutes. When he came back outside, a police officer stopped him and asked for his driver’s license. It turned out he had a warrant out for failure to pay a traffic ticket, so the officer arrested him. The officer also handed him a citation for Failure to Lock Ignition and Remove Key, which is apparently something you can be charged with.

Around 1:30 a.m., police saw a man with blood on his face and hands fall on his face in front of a bar. While the officer was checking on the man, a second man stumbled over and said he just wanted to take his friend home. The second man kept interfering as EMS arrived to check on the first man’s medical condition, so the officer told the second man to step aside, at which point he got loud and starting cursing. The officer arrested the second man on a public intoxication charge. EMS took the first man to the hospital, where he refused treatment, and then police took him to jail as well.

A man and woman racked up a $135 tab at a seafood restaurant. At the end of the meal, the man went out on the back patio and jumped a fence to the parking lot while the woman casually walked out the front door. Maybe he was too much of a po’ boy to pay for a date.