Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Nov. 25 and Nov. 30. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

Blotter O’ The Week: Police responded to reports of a bicycle theft from a downtown residence. Just think of it as impromptu, involuntary gift-giving. Where’s your Christmas spirit?

A James Island woman told officers she believed her sister had stolen her car keys … again. This time, the theft most likely occurred after the woman told her sister about the keys’ secret hiding spot: on top of the fridge. Someone forgot the rules to hide and seek.

A big-box retailer reported that a man entered the store and attempted to steal a pressure cooker and an Instant Pot, but was stopped by the loss-prevention officer. Well now how is he going to be the host with the most at this year’s holiday party?

One woman was seen on security camera footage stealing the following items from a West Ashley store: three cases of Bud Light, two KitchenAid stand mixers, two Pac-Man arcade games and two Shark robot vacuums. We are anxiously awaiting our invitations to whatever rager this lady is hosting.

Officers detained a man who repeatedly told them to take him to jail, but was unable to give further explanation. They later spoke to a man who identified the wannabe jailbird as the man who threw a brick through his car’s rear windshield. See what a guilty conscience will get you?

One man reportedly told officers he had a blunt in his pocket, but what officers found was a dollar bill with traces of cocaine inside. Drug education is really slipping. Kids can’t even discern between different drug paraphernalia these days.

An employee of a West Ashley grocery store was put on administrative leave without pay while the company investigates him for “corruption” after an incident involving unnamed objects allegedly thrown at his ex-girlfriend after she dumped him.

 After pulling over a West Ashley man for suspected drunken driving, officers asked the man how he was feeling on a scale of 0-10, with “10” being wasted and “0” being sober. The driver responded, “Oh, about an eight or nine.” Not a great start.

At least four firearms were reported stolen, one from the trunk of a car parked downtown along with a magazine, another from the glovebox of a car parked in a West Ashley parking lot.

According to a report, an officer was able to “identify” a suspicious leafy green plant material as marijuana while questioning a man in his car. Later in that report, we discovered it was because the driver told the officer he had come to smoke weed. Make this man a detective.

Police reportedly held a conversation with a man who was complaining of the city of Charleston’s handling of the “Rose Kids,” and that if he feels threatened, he will be using pepper spray. Police advised him he probably should not.