BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Police questioning an intoxicated man asked where in Charleston he lived. The man repeatedly exclaimed, “Alaska!”

A man being held for questioning said he was waiting for his girlfriend. The officer asked what her name was, and the man said Cookie. The officer asked what her real name was, and the man said he didn’t know. After he gets out of jail, he should probably get on that.

Save the Date: An offender notified of his scheduled court date and time said, “Psssh, yeah right. Like I’m coming to that bullshit.”

From the Seventh Graders’ Guide to Insults: “You’re a dick. How many dicks do you eat other than yourself?”

As police approached a man for trespassing, they noticed he threw something when he saw the officers. Asked what he had thrown away, the man, who claimed that he had just had an asthma attack, told police that it was a cigarette. When the officers asked the man why he would smoke a cigarette immediately following an asthma attack, he said, “I needed to relax, man.” Police searched the area and found a crack stem. Oh, good. Because a cigarette after an asthma attack would have been ridiculous.

In two unrelated thefts from the same downtown grocery store, a man was caught with two packs of banana nut muffins in his pants, while another was stopped with four packages of jumbo shrimp in his jeans.

Asked where she lives, a drunk woman answered, “Tomatoes for my three dogs. I’m married to your state’s governor.” We typically try to stay away from political debate.

Civilized Perp O’ the Week: Officers approaching a man on suspicion of public intoxication asked if he had been drinking. The man confessed, “Oh, why yes sir. I am currently drunk.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.