Blotter o’ the week: A cop saw a man sprinting down the sidewalk with two big bulges in his denim jacket. Turned out the blue-jean bandit was hiding two containers of detergent that he had stolen. Maybe he’ll clean up his act.

Police saw a car parked on the side of the road and stopped to investigate. The driver explained that his girlfriend needed to breastfeed their baby. The cop went ahead and checked the driver’s records, and it turned out he had an outstanding warrant in another county. The thoughtful boyfriend was arrested.

Two muggers approached a man who was walking his dog and asked if the dog was a biter. When the owner replied that his dog was not aggressive, one of the men pulled out a pistol and forced him to hand over his phone and wallet.

Do-Nothing o’ the Week: Someone broke into a house, tracked mud everywhere, dragged the refrigerator across the kitchen floor, and left without stealing anything.

Hasty Confession o’ the Week: When police asked a driver from the Czech Republic why he didn’t have a driver’s license or auto insurance, he replied, “Why do you think? You’re a smart guy. Figure it out! It’s because I’m illegal.”

A man looking for concert tickets found some on Craigslist for $300. The seller told him to wire the money via Western Union (which is exactly what they warn you not to do on EVERY CRAIGSLIST LISTING), and he did it. Lo and behold, the tickets never showed up, and the seller stopped returning his calls after that.

A man tried to shoplift a bag of jumbo shrimp by stuffing it down his pants. There’s a joke to be made here, but it’s too easy to even bother.

A thief used a stolen credit card at the following businesses in the following order: a wine superstore, a fast-food chicken joint, and a gas station.

Weed Stash o’ the Week: In a hole in the ground, underneath a brick.

Police found seven grams of cocaine in a man’s basketball shorts and now intend to give him the full court press.

Bernie Madoff Junior Achiever o’ the Week: A manager at a dollar store is accused of embezzling $1,372 from her cash register and the deposit safe.

While attempting to flee from police, a man ran through a hotel kitchen and threw a baggie of weed on the floor. Police quickly trapped the tricky tourist-town toker.

The Things They Shoplifted: A cream-colored handbag, a can of hair spray, two TV sets, a $210 sweater, two pairs of jeans worth $407 total, and one crab.

When police asked a man who was found sleeping behind an apartment complex what he was doing there, he said he was “hanging out with his fat friend,” according to a police report.

Police found a man hanging out in the dark at an apartment complex gym where he was not a member. He said he had broken into the gym to stay warm while waiting to meet a buddy there.

A man suspects his wife has been stealing his oxycodone pills since she left him. Why isn’t there a country song about this yet?

A group of guys was talking loudly outside of a bar around midnight when a police officer told them to pipe down. One smart aleck yelled across the street, “Sorry!” The cop asked him for his identification, and it turned out he was an underage drinker with a fake ID.

Bad Advice o’ the Week: A young man who had been stumbling down the sidewalk took off running when he saw a police officer. When the cop caught up with him, the young man said he was coming from a fraternity party where his frat brothers told him, “If the cops stop you, just run.”

Bizarre Threat o’ the Week: “She has an uncle named Ozzie, and she will use it.”